YuGiOh! and the Holy Grail
by ShadowSpirit2
Summary: The YGO cast attempts to recreated Monty Python's Holy Grail. They are failing miserably. Rated for cursing, MontyPythonness and Yami Marik. Enjoy!
1. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts

ShadowSpirit: Let's try this again... FYI, someone got this ficcy deleted last time, but now it's back up and I've fixed everything that could possibly be "illegal." AND THEY KILLED JO-EY-OH! I DIDN'T HAVE THOSE CHAPTERS SAVED! (is reduced to sobbing)

Kaiba: I know it's out of character of me, but...(gives authoress a hug)

ShadowSpirit: (sniffles) If anyone else had done that, it wouldn't have made a difference, but coming from you...

Kaiba: You're welcome. (hands Shadow a tissue)

ShadowSpirit: (wipes eyes) Okay, I'm better now. So, this story is rated for maire (French for "shit," but in the world of theater refers to all the cussing on/off set). I'm really gonna need reviews to make up for the almost thirty that are no more.

Disclaimer! Shadow does not own YuGiOh or Monty Python. So there (sticks out tongue).

ShadowSpirit: You people have ten minutes to get into your costumes. Ten! I'm leaving, so Amber and Jess are in charge.

Amber: Woohoo!

Jess: Lovely.

ShadowSpirit: So, yeah, ten minutes! Get moving! I'll be back later! (Leaves)

Amber: Bye! (waves)

* * *

-Ten minutes later-

Let's get started! It's time forrrrrrr... Yu-Gi-Oh! and the Holy Grail! (confetti confetti)

Through a rather thick layer of mist, one can see a big pile of dirt, just...sitting there. Footsteps, clopping and the clinking of armor can be heard drawing nearer. Two shadows appear.

Clop, clop, clop, WHACK!

"OW! Who put the damn fog machine there?"

"Well, seeing as you _were _the one responsible for proper placement of the props..." (A/n: Woo, alliteration!)

"Oh shut up..."

"You did ask..."

(long silence)

"Coconuts, Yugi."

Yugi, carrying a backpack three times his size, resumes banging the coconuts. "Ah yes of course!"

Clop, clop, clop, clop

A noble-looking figure appears through the mist, dressed in chain mail and armor and wielding a huge sword. He climbs atop the big pile of dirt and poses. Well, for a little bit anyways.

Yami looses his balance and begins to flail, ending up falling into the dirt. "Ahh! I'm sinking! Damn heavy armor! Help me, Yugi...er, Patsy!"

Yugi whines. "How come everything you ever say to me sounds gay?"

"Hey, I didn't chose the name "Patsy" alright?"

Amber comes up, and she and Yugi yank Yami out of the muck.

Yami tries in vain to wipe off the mud, then sighs in defeat. One of his regal boots has been lost in the muck. "Come, Patsy." They go up to a castle that appears magically out of the mist.

"HALT! Who goes there?"

Yami looks up to see Rex, perched on the scaffold. "It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England! Muwahahaha... Um, anyways, I must speak with your lord and master."

Rex points to Yugi. "Who's the short guy?"

Kaiba yells from off set. "Which one? They're both midgets!"

Yami growls menacingly "Shut up, Kaiba."

"Ahem. Who's the short_er_ guy?"

Yami signals proudly to Yugi "This is my loyal servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master."

Rex looks confused. "Ridden? On a horse?"

Yami rolls his eyes "No, on camels! Yes, ridden on a horse!"

"But, you're using coconuts."

"What?"

"You've got two halves of coconuts and you're banging them together!" Rex sighs as if he had to explain it to an idiot.

Yugi looks up towards his yami. "You mean we really _are _supposed to be using coconuts? I thought we just had budget issues and couldn't afford a real horse..."

"Shush, Patsy." Yami looks back up at Rex. "So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through—"

"Where'd you get the coconuts?"

Joey pops out of nowhere. "Two for a dollar at Marc's."

Tristan also pops out of nowhere, much like Joey and the castle. "Really? Good deal."

Yami frowns. "Actually, they're from a coconut bra I found in the prop room.

"Eww... I don't want to hold these anymore..." Yugi says, making a face.

Amber suddenly leaps off the lawn chair she was sitting on. "AHHH! Yami, you jackoff! That belonged to the authoress! She got it in Hawaii! It's authentic!"

Yugi looks disturbed. "These are _Shadow's_? EWW!" He drops the coconuts as if rabid.

Rex rolls his eyes, bored. "I'm starting again. Where'd you get the coconuts?"

Yami grimaces. "We, uh, found them."

Yugi cautiously pokes one with his toe.

"Found them! In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!" Rex states.

"What do you mean?"

"Duh, Yami. It's like In Egypt; tropics are places with palm trees," Yugi says

Yami Marik lowers the magazine he was reading. "Egypt doesn't have many palm trees. It's desert, not tropical. Get your facts straight, loser.

Rex shifts, annoyed. "Ahem! Anyways, this is a Temperate Zone."

Yami poses nobly. "The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?" He looks confused. "What the... I don't even know what a plover is!"

Kaiba gestures with his hands. "It's this funny-looking gray and white bird with a black collar."

Yami narrows his eyes. "Thank you, Mr. Encyclopedia Britannica."

"I resent that," Kaiba says with a frown.

Rex clears his throat to get Yami's attention again. "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

"Not at all. They could be carried," Yami says with a shrug.

"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?"

Yami shrugs again. "It could grip it by the husk!"

"It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five-ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut" Rex states.

"Well, it doesn't matter. I don't even know what a ratio is. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?" Yami is begging to sound annoyed.

Rex doesn't budge. "Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?"

Yami rolls his eyes in exasperation. "Please!"

"Am I right?"

"I'm not interested!"

Mokuba suddenly pops up. "An African swallow could carry it!"

Rex nods. "Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point."

"Oh, yeah, I agree with that," Mokuba cocks his head.

Yami is looking more and more agitated. "Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot!"

Rex ignores him. "But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory."

"Ohhhh yeah... What's 'migratory'?" Mokuba questions.

Tristan, off set, grins hugely. "Well, migrating is what Joey does after all the girls at the one lunch table diss him enough. When it gets too cold, he tries to find someplace warmer."

Joey growls. "Why I oughta..." He proceeds to chase Tristan around the set.

Rex grins triumphantly. "So you see, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway."

Yami rolls his eyes. "Come, Patsy, get your coconuts and let's get away from this funny farm..."

Yugi prods the coconuts again. "But I don't want to touch them..."

Yami sighs. "Leave 'em there, then. I'll go to Marc's during coffee break to get new ones, okay?"

Mokuba has a sudden outburst. "Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?"

"No, they'd have to have it on a line." Rex shakes his head.

"Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!" the younger Kaiba says, looking proud of himself.

"What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?"

"Well, why not?"

Kaiba suddenly bursts out. "I'll tell you why not! Because that would be _teamwork_! TEAMWORK! What have I taught you about teamwork, Mokuba?"

"Um...that it's for ninnies who are too weak to go on by themselves?" he says meekly.

Kaiba grins broadly. "I'm so proud of you."

Yami has come back to defend the idea of teamwork. "But one swallow _is _too weak to carry a coconut by itself. He must trust in the heart of the...um...the dorsal guidance feathers."

Kaiba just stares at him and shakes his head.

* * *

Amber: Well, Scene One went by rather quickly.

Joey: Ya, what's next?

Amber: Scene Two.

Tristan: (fake gasp of astonishment) You don't say?

Amber: Oh, plant you, Tristan.

Jess: Ooh the next scene deals with dead people!

Yami Bakura: So, I am naturally in it?

Jess: Hell, why not?

Yami-B: Yes!

Amber: Say, did you and Marik ever get all those dummies dressed as dead people for that cart?

Yami-B and Marik: Er...(exchange nervous glances)

Marik: Um...go back to that part about them being dummies...

Amber: (smacks forehead) Oh no. What did you guys do...?

Yami-B: Heheh... Nothing, nothing at all! (They shuffle off, rather quickly I might add.)

Amber: Jess! I thought I told you to supervise them!

Jess: I did!

Amber: Well, what did they do?

Jess: Um...(fidgets) can we just say the dead people aren't exactly...cloth and plastic?

Amber: (smacks forehead again) Oh man, I do _not_ need to deal with any more lawsuits!

Joey: Hey! We're hungry! Can we order take-out Chinese?

Amber: If Kaiba pays for it.

Kaiba: Hey! Why do I have to?

Amber: The rest of us are dirt poor. We're not even paid to be here. Besides, you like Chinese.

Kaiba: (grumbles and pulls out a wad of bills) When is Shadow getting back?

* * *

Well, I really hope you guys liked the re-first chapter. But please...I REALLY need reviews if I am to continue with this fictlet. And feel free to read my other stories, too; I'd appreciate it muchly.

Oh yeah, and I hate not using script format for the body of my fict. HATE IT!


	2. The cart of the dead

ShadowSpirit: I must say, I appreciate all the support I'm getting. It makes writing fun! Not that is isn't fun in of itself, but hey...

Kaiba: (strides in with a bag of King Wah and chucks lo mien and egg rolls at various people) You guys better relish this rare moment of courtesy.

ShadowSpirit: (catches a little box of lo mien) Mmm, I live off this stuff! Thanks Seto!

Kaiba: Don't call me that. (Props feet up on a table and opens a newspaper) Whoa, hey check this out! "Last Tuesday, ten graves were dug up and the corpses were stolen from their coffins. Police are now on the lookout for the perpetrators."

Yami Bakura: (under his breath) Ah shit...

Marik: (pokes Yami-B in the side and whispers) Hey, let's stealthily sneak away before they find out.

Yami-B: Good idea (they slink off).

Amber: (notices them, shoots a look towards Jess)

Jess: (shrugs and with a goofy grin,) Don't eat the Soilent Green.

ShadowSpirit: (oblivious, as always) Okay, so... It's time forrrr...SCENE TWO!!! YAY! I actually have nothing to do, but I figure it's more fun to leave you people alone and laugh at your incompetence when this is all done. See ya in a couple hours! Heheheh...(uses Authoress Powers to disappear)

Joey: So who do we need?

Amber: (whips out script book) Okies, we need you, Rex and Weevil unfortunately, Yami and Yugi but not right now, Tristan, Mai, and...Pegasus?

Pegasus: (too happily) Heeeeeere I am!

Everyone else: (stares)

Amber: (studies script) Who the hell put Pegsy in here?

Kaiba: Probably the same person who put Rex and Weevil in.

Jess: Well, Shadow needed to give some people the real crappy parts, and she liked everyone else too much.

Kaiba: I'm strangely flattered...

Amber: That's nice. Okay, so, places!

(Most of the aforementioned people take their places)

Amber: Actually, what the hey, one last thing: roll in mud.

Everyone else: SAY WHAT?

Amber: Sorry, but you guys need to be dirt-encrusted peasants!

Jess: I'll take care of it. (shoves EVERYONE into the mud pit) Heheh...

Mai & Pegasus: AHHHHH MY BEATIFUL HAIR!

Everyone else: (double take)

Pegasus: Whaaaat?

Amber: JESS! I DON'T HAVE TO BE MUDDY!

Jess: Heheh, my bad. (is obviously not sorry)

Bakura: Whoa this stuff dries fast...

* * *

The scene is a cute (yeah, right) little village, coated in mud, with grass clippings scattered on top. Muddy people mill about, coughing and, in Mai's case, whimpering and clawing futilely at the mud in their hair. A shoddy ole cart, followed by Joey, pulled by Rex and Weevil (who are having great difficulties), and heaped with decaying old people rolls past. Kind of.

"Dammit, the wheels keep getting stuck! Faster, you two!" Joey yells.

Rex answers, panting. "I'm pulling as hard as I can! This cart is too damn heavy!"

"Can we puh-LEASE either lose some of the dead guys or get some macho-man like Bandit Keith??" whines Weevil, in his annoying-as-all-hell squeaky voice. Kaiba winces visibly at it.

Yami Bakura sticks his head out from under a fake bush. "No! Marik and I worked long and hard into the night to get those! And Keith's still...somewhere. I dunno or care where, though." He pulls his head back under. "Move your hand, will ya Marik? You're touching my butt."

Weevil grumbles but subsides, and as he bows his head to pull harder, his stupid gold glasses fall off. "AHHHH MY GLASSES! I'M BLIND!!!!"

"Glasses? You mean these glasses?" Rex casually reaches out and steps with one foot. There is a crunching noise...

"GAHHHHH! YOU BROKE MY #$ING GLASSES!!!!" Weevil screeches.

"Oops. Heheh."

Amber sighs in exasperation. "Let's try this again... You guys want to drag the cart over there while Joey gives his lines. She points to a giant red "X" in the mud.

"Mush, puppies!" Joey says, cracking a whip. "Ahem. Bring out da dead!" He hits his triangle with a chicken leg bone.

DING!

Amber leans over to whisper to Yami Marik, as he happens to be the only one within whispering distance. "Where the hell did he get that whip?"

"Oh that was mine. I haven't been using it as much as I used to so I lent it to him," Yami Marik says with a shrug.

Amber shifts uneasily. "Eh...I see...unfortunately..."

Joey continues with his lines. "Bring out da dead!"

DING!

"Bring out da dead!"

DING!

"Bring out da dead!"

DING!

"Ohhhh my beautiful hair..." Mai groans as she beats a cat against a wall.

"Mrow!" goes the cat.

"Um, that's supposed to be a fake cat..." Amber points out, wincing.

Mai grimaces. "Uh oh. Well, it's not my fault! Yami-B gave it to me!"

From under the fake bush comes, "Never liked cats."

"What is it with you people not liking to use props?" Amber sighs.

Kaiba shrugs. "It's a chronic disorder."

She sighs again.

Joey resumes his lines. "Bring out da dead!"

DING!

"Bring out da dead!"

DING!

"Bring out da dead!"

Amber frowns, confused. "Joey, sorry to interrupt, but I thought I gave you a _whole _chicken leg..."

"Uh...(shifty eyes) nope. Nope, nope. Dis is all I got!" Joey furtively picks a piece of chicken out of his teeth. "Um, yeah. Bring out da dead!"

DING!

Tristan is waiting off to the side, with Pegasus who is chugging out of a wine bottle. Weevil and Rex completely miss the red "X" and pull the cart past them.

Amber sighs. "Try again, you guys."

--67 attempts later--

"WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT PULLING A CART AND STOPPING ON THE GIANT RED "X"?!?!?" she yells, waving her arms.

"Well, Weevil _is_ lacking his glasses and Rex has the IQ of a spud, but I'm sure that has _nothing _to do with it," Kaiba answers with a small grin. Mokuba and Pegasus are meanwhile making mud pies as an exasperated and slightly disgusted Tristan watches.

"Agh..." Amber massages her temples.

--The 71st attempt--

"YAY WE GOT IT RIGHT!! WHOOPEE!" Weevil and Rex cry triumphantly. They begin to square dance.

Jess makes a face. "Now _that's_ freaky..."

Tristan comes running up to the cart with a rather drunk Pegasus (holding his rather large wine bottle) slung over his shoulder like a rag doll. Tristan slips in mud. "ACK!" Sliding everywhere, he eventually regains his balance and tries to hand Pegsy to Joey. "Here's one! Take him! Pleaaaase..."

"It's not my fault you're (hic) too weak to carry me!" Pegasus slurs.

Tristan swats him. "Shut up! You're dead!"

Joey holds out his hand. "Ninepence."

"I'm not dead!" Pegasus insists, taking a giant swig out of the wine bottle.

"Then what the hell happened at DK?" Tristan demands.

Pegasus cocks his head in remembrance. "Well, Yami Bakura kinda killed (hic) me but I guess I don't die...permanently."

"What?" Joey asks.

Tristan waves his hand disdainfully. "Nothing. Here's your ninepence."

"I'm not (hic) dead!" Pegasus insists.

Joey decides to state the obvious. What else is new? "He says he's not dead!"

"Yes he is!" Tristan says firmly

"I'm not!" Pegsy whines.

Joey frowns stupidly. "He isn't?"

Tristan sighs, giving up. "Well, he will be soon. He's very ill. Well, mentally ill at least."

Pegasus flails halfheartedly in Tristan's arms. "I'm getting better!"

"Oof!" Tristan crumples a bit under Pegsy's weight. "No you aren't! You'll be stone dead in a moment."

"Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations," Joey claims, flipping through a book entitled _The Cart-of-the-Dead Puller's Complete Rulebook_.

"What regulations? There are regulations?"

"Intoxication. And I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate that wine bottle." The blond grabs bottle and takes a swig.

"I don't wanna (hic) go on the cart!" Pegasus whines, then wraps his arms around Tristan's neck. "I wanna (hic) stay home and bake cookies with youuuu..."

Tristan tries to shake him off. "Let go of me you stupid fruitcake!! Stop being such a baby!"

"Well, I can't take him. I don't want to, either," Joey states bluntly.

"I feel fine!" Pegasus interjects.

"Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long," Tristan practically pleads.

Joey sort of grimaces. "No, I've got to go to the Robinson's. They've lost nine today."

From off set, Yami Marik calls out, "Well at least I'm no longer in a bad mood!" Everybody cringes.

Tristan, still looking disturber, picks up where he left off. "Er... Well, when's your next round?"

"Thursday," Joey answers, checking his calendar.

Pegasus begins to flail again. "I think I'll go for a walk!"

Tristan smacks him. "You're not fooling anyone you know." He turns to Joey. "Look, isn't there something you can do?"

"I feel happy... I feel happy..." Pegasus sings, waving his arms. Joey grins evilly.

_Whack!_

Pegasus appears to be unfazed. He scowls in offense. "Oh, hitting your elders with (hic) chicken bones, why don't you! Why, when I was younger—"

"Will you _die_ already!?"

_Whack!_

Pegasus is still ranting. "When I was younger, we _respected _our elders!"

Joey starts to freak out. "SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!"

_Whack whack whack!!!_

"We didn't throw rocks at them or ask questions like 'When are you going to die?'"

Joey's chicken bone breaks in half due to the constant beating. He yells in frustration and throws the bone to the ground. "ARGHHH!"

At that opportune moment, Kaiba strides out. "May I? He asks but doesn't wait for a reply. He swings his huge briefcase into poor Pegsy's head

_WHAM_!

Pegasus flops into the mud, unconscious. Joey growls and a vein pops on his forehead. Kaiba grins smugly. "No need to thank me." Still grinning, he strides backstage.

"I HOPE YOU DIE, YOU SCENE-STEALING HACK!" Joey screams.

Jess, who is working the lighting, chuckles quietly. "Just one more for the cart."

Kaiba looks over his shoulder at Joey, bemused. "Everyone dies sometime. Besides, that bastard deserved it and now I feel that content warm fuzzy feeling that comes with revenge."

Joey throws Kaiba one last dirty look before picking up Pegasus's limp body and dumping it into cart.

Amber raises an eyebrow and stares. "Fuzzy?"

Tristan, meanwhile, is continuing his part. "Ah, thanks very much. I don't like touching him."

"Don't mention it. See you on Thursday," Joey mutters dryly. He casts a glance at Kaiba, who smirks at him.

"Right. All right," Tristan say. He waits for Yami and Yugi to come trotting past but they don't. Tris taps his foot impatiently. "Where _are _they?"

--Cut to checkout line at Marc's--

"WHO CARES IF I DON'T HAVE A COUPON?!??"

"I'm sorry, but you can't buy a coconut for 50 cents without a coupon," the cashier lady says in a bored voice as she examines her nails.

Yami pouts angrily. "But they were 2 for $1 so it makes sense that one sells for 50 cents!"

The cashier sighs. "BUT if you don't have a coupon, I have to charge you extra."

Yami growls. "How much extra?"

"Well, altogether it adds up to $3.83 for one coconut."

Yami's eyes bug out of his skull. "WHAT?? THAT'S IT, IT'S SHADOW REALM TIME!"

Yugi tugs futilely at Yami's sleeve. "Yami, please, you're making a scene..."

"No, Yugi! This woman has trespassed into my soul!" Yami yells. A purplish cloud engulfs Marc's.

--Cut back to the studio-place-thing--

Amber is pondering. "Ya know, I haven't seen him."

Joey isn't worried. "Well, let's give him some time; he's probably taking a crap."

Kaiba makes a face. "Now there's a lovely thought..."

--2 hours later--

Yami comes striding in, carrying a grocery bag containing a solitary coconut. "I'm ba-ack!"

Yugi is still shaking head. "You are an utter embarrassment..."

"THERE YOU TWO STARFISH HEADS ARE! Get to your places, NOW!!" Jess yells, pointing her forefinger dangerously. Yami and Yugi nod meekly and comply.

Yami trots past with Yugi in tow. Yugi bangs the two coconut halves together.

Clop, clop, clop, etc...

Tristan points at them. "Who's that there?"

Joey looks. "I dunno. Must be a king."

"Why?"

Joey signals to Weevil and Rex to start pulling the cart again. "He hasn't got shit all over him."

Yami looks back at them over his shoulder. "I _was_ a pharaoh, ya know."

Marik comes running out onto the set. "I SHOULD BE PHAROAH!!"

The cast/crew gang up and shove him back offset. "MUST WE GO THROUGH THIS _AGAIN_?!?"

* * *

Yay the second chappie is up!! Don't fail me, lovely reviewers! Reviews make me happy! Haaaaaaaappy...

My gerbil died. That makes me sad. Saaaaaaaad...


	3. BISHOMAN!

Amber: Shadow didn't come home last night.

Jess: She's afraid of us, I tell you!

Kaiba: (rolls eyes) Yeah, afraid for her mental sanity.

Joey: What is this "sanity" you people are always referring to?

Yami Bakura: Sanity really doesn't exist; it's just a figment of people's imagination designed to keep people from eating each other.

Kaiba: That doesn't really make sense.

Tristan: Hey, Shadow left a note! (picks up the note and reads it out loud)

Shadow writes: Wow...so many reviewers (eyes spin)... If I could, I'd give you all hugs! But I can't...

(Insert response to reviews that Shadow is no longer allowed to do)

End Shadow's Note.

Jess: Hey Joey, where's that wine bottle you took from Pegasus?

Joey: He took it. (points to Yami Marik, who is sprawled on his back on the floor and is obviously more than a bit tipsy)

Amber: That's...beautiful...

Yami Marik: (slurring words) I swear to drunk I'm not God...

Jess: Oh really?

Amber: (grimaces) That's...more beautiful...

Yami Marik: Ya tell it like it is, girlfriend!

Everyone: (stares at him)

Yami Marik: (hic!)

Amber: Um yeaaaah, let's get on with the much-awaited third chapter of Yu-Gi-Oh! and the Holy Grail!

* * *

Amber digs out the cast list and reads it through, calls for the people need. "So, Yami, Yugi, Yami-B, and Marik: your presence is required." Everyone but Yami-B gathers around, and Amber continues, "Oh yes, and we need that cart of dead people. Who brought the tarp?"

Joey vigorously waves a large blue tarp in the air. "I did!" The tarp, being much bigger than the blond, flops all over and eventually winds up tangling the boy in its grip, due to the waving. "Ack!"

"Very good, cover up the dead people so we don't have to unload them," Amber commands as Joey flails helplessly under the bright blue plastic. Eventually, he does get out and goes off to find the cart, acting as nothing had happened. "Okey-dokey! Where is dat cart?"

"Good luck finding that thing, Jess hid it real good so Shadow doesn't find it," Amber warned. Jess grinned smugly, obviously having no intention of giving away her hiding spot.

Just then, from somewhere deep backstage, Amber-tachi can hear Pegasus screaming in terror. "YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY AM I ON DEAD PEOPLE?"

Kaiba laughs softly. "I see he's woken up."

Amber also finds it funny, but feels like she needs to maintain authority and attempts to put on an angry look. "Joey! You never took him off the cart?" Joey grins sheepishly and shrugs, heading off in the general direction of Pegsy's voice, as it will lead him to the cart.

Tristan gives a lopsided grin. "Well at least now he sounds slightly sober..."

At that moment, Pegasus comes tearing out of backstage, screaming for all he's worth. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He stops and breathes deeply to calm down. "Whew... I'll have nightmares about that one for some time now..."

"Wuss," Tristan says smugly. Though it is faint and in the background, Joey can be heard singing his "I Found the Cart" song.

"I found the cart...cart...caaaart...The de-ahd people really really really smeeellllll..."

Pegasus, meanwhile, is freaking out. "I AM NOT A WUSS! You'd be screaming too if you woke up on top of old smelly bodies!"

"Suuuure I would," Tristan mocks. He turns around and walks away.

Pegasus huffs and crosses him arms. "Well, we'll just see about that!" He runs up and knocks Tristan out, then dumps his body in the cart, under the tarp Joey just finished set ting up. Pegsy folds his hands and reminds the Authoress of Mr. Burns. "Muwahahahahahahahah..."

Just then, Joey popped up from the side of the cart, having just finished tying the last knot to secure the tarp. "Hey, what are you doing?"

Pegasus freezes then glances around nervously, putting on his best innocent expression. "Nothing? Why, does it look like I'm doing something?" He fluttered his fingers innocently.

Joey leaned back, examining the scene. He put his hand to his chin. "It looks like you dumped some poor soul's body in a cart of dead people because they called you a wuss."

Pegasus tugs nervously at collar. "Umm..."

Joey, not noticing, shrugs. "But, mebbe dat's just me." He pulls cart to its location for Scene Three.

Pegasus breathes a huge sigh of relief. "_Whew_, that was close. Now, where was I? Ah yes... Muwahahahaha..."

Amber looks up as Joey returns. She is impatient. "Awright, hurry up; too much dawdling going on here. Let's move! Chop chop, people! Hey! Where's Yami Bakura? Jess? Could you please go find him?"

Jess scowls darkly. "Fine." She wanders off.

Joey turns to Tea. "I hope Yami Marik didn't share my wine with him."

Pegasus frowns and crosses his arms. "Actually, wasn't that MY wine?"

Joey smiled loopily and shrugged. "Well, if you want ta get technical..."

"Well, as long as we're technical, aren't you technically underage?" Pegasus asks jubilantly. Joey begins to whistle and moseys off.

--Backstage--

Jess, meanwhile, is wandering around, half-heartedly calling for Yami Bakura. "Yami-B? Where is that albino? Ohhh, Yaaaaaami Bakuuura!"

From behind the castle set used in Scene One comes his harsh voice. "WHAT!"

Jess rounds the corner of the castle. "We are starting now and—WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU _DOING_!"

Yami-B is reclined lazily in a lawn chair, wearing nothing but Hawaiian swim trunks and sunglasses; one might also add he has set up a tanning mirror and has a strong stagelight shining on him. He says nonchalantly, "I'm getting a tan."

"You are a moron," Jess states simply, crossing her arms and staring.

"Hey, would you be a doll and rub some suntan lotion on my back?" He holds out the bottle. Jess expressionlessly takes the bottle and squeezes some lotion into her hand. Yami-B hides a grin of satisfaction. "Why thank you."

Still expressionless, Jess reaches over and smears the sunblock in his hair.

"GAHH!" Yami Bakura yells and tries to bat her away but only ends up falling off his chair. "OW! What the hell's your problem?"

The stoic expression was quite quickly replaced with an angry one. She holds out three fingers and counts off to him. "Okay, 1) Amber insists you get your sorry ass to your place. 2) You can't get a tan with spotlights and 3) You're lucky I didn't disembowel you for calling me a doll." Jess grabs him by the collar and jerks him up to eyelevel. "Any questions?"

Yami-B waves hand in the air as if in school (tch, like that'd ever happen...). "Yeah one: Does this mean any sort of longstanding relationship is out of the question?"

Jess sweatdrops and grabs bottle of suntan lotion. She squirts it directly into his hair before pushing him back to the ground.

"ACK!" Yami-B gets back up and bares his teeth. "Crazy woman!"

--Back to Amber-tachi--

Amber taps her foot impatiently. "Where the hell are they?" She glances at special wristwatch given to her by the Authoress. "Three and a half pages on Microsoft Word have gone by and we haven't even started yet!"

Kaiba points offstage. "Hey look!" Everyone turns to see a rather irked Jess striding towards them, followed by Yami Bakura who is complaining loudly and is still in his swim trunks. "That is _weird_..."

Amber puts on her best 'dagger glare.' "_Where _have you two been?"

Jess, unaffected, glares back. "I've been dealing with _this _numbskull!" She jabs her thumb towards Yami-B.

Yami-B pout as he claws at his hair. "Well, thanks to you, my hair has globs of sunblock in it! So uncomfortable!"

Jess shrugs. "You deserved it."

"Well, I'm guessing it's probably best to not ask questions, so let's begin to get started. Yami-B? Put some pants on. We run a theatrical entertainment firm not a cruise line," Amber says, pointing him off in the direction of the costume storage room...place...thing.

Yami Bakura gives Amber a look as he goes off. "They could be on in the same, ya know."

Amber watches him closely as he leaves. When he is out of sight, she turns to Bakura. "You two have the same body; that means you look that good too, right? Wh don't you go running around without a shirt?"

Bakura fidgets and blushes, becoming immersed in tying his shoes. Amber chuckles quietly.

Joey suddenly pipes up. "Hey, where'd dat drunken freak Yami Marik go?"

From far away and right on cue, we hear Yami Bakura. "YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU DRUNKEN FREAK!"

"I think Yami-B found him..." Jess says, amused. Everyone runs to the costume department to see what's up

--Costume Depot--

They all stop to stare in horror at the scene in front of them. Jaws drop and eyes bug in bewilderment. One cannot blame them.

Y'see, Yami Marik is wearing naught but a black feather boa and hot pink spandex pants, and is chasing Yami Bakura with a feather duster. "Come here, you gorgeous man, you!"

Yami-B, of course, is freaking out. "NO! GO AWAY! BACK, BACK, YOU STUPID DRAG QUEEN!"

Yami Marik bats his eyelashes and backs the other yami into a corner. "Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful..."

"I'm scared," Kaiba turns to Amber. "Are you scared?" Amber nods vigerously.

Mai, who is randomly here, suddenly bursts out. "HEY! Aren't those _my _pants?"

"GET AWAY! GET AWAY!" Yami Bakura, eyes wide as saucers, is cowering in the corner. He grabs the Millennium Rod and uses it to attempt to fend off Yami Marik. One might wish to add that he is still in his swimsuit, which just makes it all better. Heh, not really.

Yami Marik unconsciously dodges the Rod. "I feel pretty!"

"You LOOK like you escaped from the Rocky Horror Picture Show!" Kaiba exclaims.

Marik points a finger of blame. "He took my Rod!"

Mai has come to a conclusion. She shares it with the rest of the cast. "Those _are_ MY pants! GET OUT OF MY PANTS!"

Everyone else double-takes and stares.

Yami Marik sashays, yes _sashays_,over to Mai. "Ooh, how often do you say that?" He twirls some of the boa's feathers in his fingers.

Mai's eyes go red with anger. "WHAAAT?" She attacks with long, manicured nails.

Yami Marik puts his hands up in defense. "Ahh! Ahh! Okay, okay, you can have your pants back!" He strips the pants off before anyone can stop him and practically throws them at Mai. Mai catches the pants then gapes in shock.

Everyone else screams and recoils whilst clawing at their eyes. Turns out, Yami Marik had decided to see what it would be like to try on the black leather thong that came in the _Every Costume Possible to put on Every Possible Play_ Starter Kit (copyrighted).

Amber covers her eyes. "Oh man, I just saw WAY too much Marik!"

Kaiba shudders. "I can wash but I'll never be clean!"

Mai copies Amber's movement. "My poor virgin eyes!"

Yami Bakura out a sharp laugh. "Ha! Like your eyes are virgin!" Then he shrieks as Mai lunges at him and commences pummelage.

Yugi and Bakura spray disinfectant in their eye, then clutch at them wildly. "GAHH IT BUUUURNS!"

Yami tilts his head. "The disinfectant or...Yami Marik?"

"All..." Yugi moans.

"Want me to get you two some water?" Yami offers.

"That would be nice..." Bakura says gratefully, eyes tearing like mad.

Yami Marik regards the cast and crew rolling on the ground clutching their eyes. He seems almost onfused, then gins triumphantly. "This sounds like a job forrrrr..." He whips out a cape and strikes up a noble pose; everyone else screams again. "BISH-O-MAN!"

Amber's jaw hits the floor. "Oh lordy..."

Y-Marik, oblivious, puffs out chest and speaks in a deep, "heroic" voice. "Yes, it's BISH-O-MAN; appearing to all who need loving, able to make 20 fangirls faint with just a grin and a wink!"

Jess disappears into the prop room. "I know there's a shotgun back here somewhere..."

Kaiba has recovered himself. He folds his arms. "Shadow's not gonna like this..."

Y-Marik drops deep superhero voice. "She already knows!" He says happily.

Everyone does a collective double-take. "WHAT?"

Yami Marik shrugs. "Well, she knew about the pants, but even the Authoress does not know my true identity as BISH-O-MAN!"

Amber looks around. "Is she _here_?"

"My eyes still burn..." Yugi mutters faintly.

Yami returns with a bucket of water. "Here you go, guys." Yugi and Bakura take turns plunging their heads in it.

Bakura goes to dip in again, but stops and squints through pained eyes at Yugi. "Your hair gel made it all scummy!"

Meanwhile, Y-Marik is addressing the slowly recovering cast. "Yeah, turns out she's been here since Scene One. She's over there," he points off to the right.

Tea is still covering her eyes. "Yami Marik? Can you please put some pants on now?"

Y-Marik's deep voice comes back. "NEVER! I SHAL WEAR PANTS WHEN YOU BRING ME PANTS FIT FOR THE GODS!"

Amber smacks forehead and whimpers in exasperation. "Let's just go see Shadow now!" Amber, Jess, Bakura, and Kaiba follow Yami Marik to the authoress.

--Behind a large curtain, we find me, ShadowSpirit, sitting on a large, cement-like cube, chipping at it with a chisel--

ShadowSpirit is muttering to herself, "Damn you, damn you..."

Joey sidles alongside her and peers down. "Hey Shadow, watcha got there?"

Without looking up, ShadowSpirit replies, "Writer's Block. Stupid thing..."

Yami Marik, having done his part, has wandered off and is singing obliviously. "I'm...too sexy for my pants...too sexy for my shirt...sooo sexy, it hurts!"

Jess peers at the Block. "Is that why we can't seem to get anything done around here?"

ShadowSpirit looks up. "Proba..." She stops in mid-word, jaw dropping open as she catches sight of Y-Marik. "Ho...lee...crap..."

Yami Marik is suddenly alert; he is all high and mighty again. "What's this? Another damsel in distress? BISH-O-MAN can solve this!" He sashays over to Shadow and smiles seductively. "Hello dearie, need a lap dance?"

ShadowSpirit just stares at him and squeaks, "O. O Um...no...thanks..."

Amber looks at special watch again. "Wow over six pages..."

Shadow throws down chisel in disgust. "Damn Writer's Block. I give up...for now. Next chapter, I'll hunt around for some bigger guns to destroy it so we can continue. And if I don't find any...I'll continue anyways."

* * *

ShadowSpirit: It's very weird writing myself in 3rd person. Ah well. Swim season started today, and man am I _tired_! I don't do that whole stamina thing. I feel kinda good though...

Disclaimer! I do not own YGO or Bish-O-Man. Takahashi-sama owns YGO and White Angel Chan (wonderful Authoress) came up with the Bish-O-Man idea. And yes, I got her permission to use it. Thankies, White Angel!

And seriously, thanks for all the reviews. I love you all!


	4. Bloody Peasant!

ShadowSpirit: So, um, yeah... This is the Scene Three, chapter four, of Yu-Gi-Oh! and the Holy Grail! Oh yes, and in case you are wondering, although he has improved, Yami Marik STILL isn't sober enough to realize just how he looks in that thong...

Yami Bakura: (dryly) Maybe the thing is, he _does _realize it...

ShadowSpirit: (shrugs) Oh well. Eye candy for the fangirls, I suppose. Besides, once the initial shock wears off, I guess it's not _that _bad.

Yami Bakura: Yes...yes, I actually think it _is _that bad...

ShadowSpirit: Remember that I'm in competitive swimming. I've seen worse.

Yami Marik: Only I, BISH-O-MAN, can pull off the super-sexy look of a black thong! Muwahahahah!

Duke: (looks at Y.Marik) How'd you get that thing on anyways? Rub lard on your butt?

Yami Marik: (bats eyelashes and says nothing)

Everyone else: (double-take)

Jess: What're you doing here, Duke?

Duke: (looks perplexed) I'm here for Scene Four. I get to play the green knight and fight Kaiba. Loser forfeits their game company to the winner! Heheheh...

Jess: Um, well, it _is_ in the script for the green knight to lose...

Duke: It is! Crap!

ShadowSpirit: And anyways, this is still Sc. 3! We were...um...(looks from Y.Marik to her Writer's Block)...delayed...

Yami Marik: (has started up singing again) I'm...too sexy for my shirt...too sexy for my shirt...sooo sexy, it hurts!

Yami Bakura: (is really getting pissed at Y.Marik; why, I don't know, maybe it was because he was trying to molest the tomb robber with a feather duster last chapter O.o)

Duke: Oh. So I'm actually early?

ShadowSpirit: Yep. And anyways, didn't you get my memo? (Duke stares blankly) You know, the one saying I changed my mind and gave Joey the role of the green knight?

Duke: Nope.

Yami Marik: (jumps) OW! No _shit_, it really hurts! (suddenly comes up with an idea) Hey! I must be sexier than I thought! (grins happily)

Most everyone: (stares at Yami Marik whilst shaking their heads)

Jess: (dryly) Actually, Yami-B is throwing darts at your ass.

Yami Bakura: (smirks for a second, then turns and bolts as Yami Marik runs after him)

Joey: (suddenly outbursts) Hey, I didn't get a memo either!

ShadowSpirit: (raises eyebrow) That was a bit...delayed. Anyways, I sent Jess to deliver them a while ago. Jess?

Jess: Ohhh you mean those little pieces of paper that had illegible chicken scratch on them? I thought they were garbage, so I threw 'em away.

ShadowSpirit: (shakes head and mutters under her breath) Totally incompetent...

Jess: I heard that. It's not my fault your handwriting is worse than a third-grader's.

ShadowSpirit: (ignores her and sighs) Well, I guess I'd better work on trying to destroy this stupid Writer's Block. I already tried a chisel. Any other ideas?

Joey: Dynamite!

Yugi: Um, curl up into a fetal position and whimper piteously?

Bakura: A jackhammer!

Yami Bakura: A nuke! (gets a look from the authoress) Whaaaat?

ShadowSpirit: Um, let's start with a jackhammer. Bakura, go see if you can find someone who can lend me a big jackhammer.

Bakura: Okiedokie. (he goes off)

ShadowSpirit: And, while I wait for Bakura, the rest of you can go ahead and do Scene Three! (A/N-which actually happens to be one of my favorites!)

Joey: (pouting) We have dynamite and you aren't even gonna use it!

ShadowSpirit: (shrugs) I figured I'd work my way up to it. No need blowing up the set before I have to.

* * *

"Okie-day, we need Yami, Yugi, Yami Bakura and Marik. Plus the cart used in Scene Two," Amber states, giving Jess a look.

Jess huffs. "I said I was sorry about the dead people thing. Sheesh."

Amber casts a furtive glance at the authoress, who is engrossed with her Writer's Block. "Actually, no you didn't. Anyway, good thing we've got that tarp."

Joey beams. "You're welcome. Hey, anyone seen Tristan? He's been gone for a long time..."

From backstage comes the sound of someone screaming like a ninny. "GAHHHHH I'M IN A CART ON TOP OF DECAYING DEAD PEOPLE WITH A TARP OVER MY HEAD!"

Pegasus raises his eyebrows and smiles. "He has an impeccable ability at stating the obvious." Jess nods in agreement.

Amber stomps her foot impatiently. "People! Did you guys not get the memos bout taking up so much time screwing around! Shadow said she gave them to Je— Oh, wait, then I guess you guys didn't get it."

Jess shrugs. "Not my fault."

Amber sighs, giving up. "Well, anyways, let's just do this... AND NO SCREWING AROUND!"

Yami Marik pouts. "Awww..."

From the costume depot comes the slightly irked voice of Yami Bakura. "Hey! I can't find that raggedy old cloak that is my costume!"

Amber yells back, "Then find something similar! We can't wait all day! Let's go, Dennis!"

Yami-B eventually comes running up, wearing the cloak that came with an old Obi-Wan Kenobi Halloween costume. "Okay! I'm here!"

Kaiba does a little finger flutter thing and laughs mockingly. "Use The Force, Luke!"

Yami-B folds his arms haughtily. "Ahem, it's Obi-Wan Kenobi, thank you very much."

Kaiba rolls his eyes. "Whatever." The needed cast and crew shuffle to their places.

The scene is a rather muddy field; peasants mill about and pick at the mud with sticks. Oh, the fun is just _killing _me... Oh wait...that's just bubonic plague. Heh. Anyways...Yami-B is struggling to drag the cart through the mud.

"Damn, this thing _is _heavy..." Yami Bakura mutters darkly to himself.

Yami comes "trotting" up behind Bakura, Yugi in tow and frantically banging the coconuts. "Oi, old woman!"

Yami Bakura whirls around and snarls. "MAN!"

"But he does look kinda feminine..." Kaiba mutters quietly.

Bakura frowns, offended. "You know, when you insult his appearance, you insult me too. Make fun of his personality, but not his looks, okay?"

Kaiba regards the white-haired boy with a quirked eyebrow. "Don't you have to find Shadow a jackhammer?"

Bakura's face brightens as he remembers. "Ah, right!" He scurries off.

Yami corrects himself. "Man. Sorry," he snickers slightly. "What knights live in that castle?"

Yami Bakura folds his arms and glares. "I'm thirty-seven."

Yami starts to continue but does a double take. "I..._what_?"

Yami Bakura glares again. "I'm thirty-seven, I'm not _old_."

Yami does this gesture of exasperation that involves waving arms and rolling eyes. "Well I can't just call you 'Man'!"

"Well, you could say Dennis," Yami-B suggests nonchalantly.

"Well I didn't know you were called Dennis," Yami explains in a tone suggesting he is talking to a child.

"Well you didn't bother to find out now, did you?" Yami-B retorts.

"Well, you managed to start your sentences off with "Well" for the last four lines," Jess mutters dryly.

"Five lines, including yours," Kaiba points out.

Yami huffs. "I did say sorry about the old woman thing, but with your long, flowing white hair..." he gestures with his hands.

Yami Bakura does his evil-cat-glare-thing. "THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT! You baka excuse of a pharaoh! You can't even brush your _own _hair correctly!"

Yami frowns, confused. Then he gets angry. "That doesn't even make sense! But, even so, NOBODY DISSES MY HAIR AND LIVES! The set dissolves into the purple fog that is the Shadow Realm. "Let's DUEL!"

Yami-B waves finger back and forth. "Ah-ah-ahh, remember the "No Screwing Around" memo?"

Yami's angry face gives way to one that now just looks revolted. "I wouldn't screw with you if all the women on earth were dead, anyways!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT!" Yami Bakura yells.

Yami shrugs with a sheepish grin. "I know. I just felt like I had to say it. DUEL!"

Yami Bakura looks smug. "I wonder if Shadow knows about what happened to her coconut bra..."

Yami's eyes bug slightly in fear. He takes them back to normal reality.

Yami-B claps mockingly. "Ooh good doggy!"

Yami snaps. "That's it!" To da Shadow Realm again! "DUEL!"

Yami-B brings his hand to his chin in mock thought. "I wonder if I should tell her...

Yami deflates and it's back to the real world. "Dammit..."

"Yay, mommy would be so proud!" Yami-B remarks provokingly.

Yami growls and the S.R. is back. "DUEL!"

"Oh Sha-dow..." Yami-B calls in a singsong voice.

A lightbulb appears over Yami's head, signaling an idea...

WHACK!

Yami grins and goes back to normal reality. Everyone else comes running up. Amber is freaking out. "AHHHH! What happened!" she demands.

Yami hides huge smile. "I don't know! All of a sudden, he's out cold with a black eye!"

"Mysterious, isn't it?" says Yugi, and he and Yami exchange a wink.

--One hour later--

"What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!" Yami Bakura says coldly, holding an ice pack to his face and glaring daggers.

Yami grins, very smug. "Well, I _am _king, you know."

Yami-B leans back. "Oh king, eh, very nice. And...and...and I can't remember the rest of my lines."

There is a collective anime fall throughout the set.

Yami-B scowls. "What? How the hell was I supposed to memorize a load of gibberish about legal systems when I just got the script last week and Yadonushi just bought an X-Box? Huh?

"That is no excuse!" Amber exclaims, then leans over to Jess. "Remind me to ask Bakura if I can come over and play on it later." Jess rolls her eyes.

Yami-B scowls again. "Let's just finish this..." He whips out the script book and begins to read out of it. "How d'you get to be king? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the..."

"Hey! That's _my _script book!" Yami realizes and lunges for it. Yami-b easily dodges and holds it over his head, where the shorter pharaoh can't reach. "I hate you."

Yami Bakura shrugs. "Hey, I _am _a thief." Amber gives him a warning glance and he hands the book back to its owner.

Just then, Marik comes crawling over, dressed in muddy rags, under which are two large and strategically placed water balloons. He speaks in a false, high-pitched voice. "Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here," he says, then looks at Yami "Oh! How d'you do?"

Yami smirks. "Marik, you make a wonderful woman."

"Oh shut up. Honestly! Amber, why couldn't you get a REAL female to play this part?" Marik complains in his normal voice...or as normal as it ever got.

"Because in the movie it really _was _a guy pretending to be a woman," Amber explains.

"WELL SCREW THE MOVIE! THIS IS EMBARRESSING!" Marik yells, stomping his foot.

"Nice balloons, Marik," Kaiba says, snickering.

"Oh shut up," replies the Egyptian, folding his arms, with difficulty, over his chest.

Yami decides to continue, whether or not everyone else will too. "How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?"

Marik frowns. "'Good lady?' I resent that." In girly voice again, "King of the who?"

Yami is shocked at her/his ignorance. "The Britons!"

Marik looks confused. "Who are the Britons?"

Yami-B hits him with his ice pack. "Are you daft? Even I know about the British."

Marik smacks him back. "I'm not daft, those are my lines! Just because _some _people like to ad-lib..."

"Forget you two, I'm continuing," Yami claims. He continues with his lines in noble tone. "Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king."

"You can have Great Britain if I can have Egypt..." Marik mutters. He then goes back to the girly voice again. "I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective."

"Don't get smart with me, peasant!" Yami warns, waving finger. "You can't even spell 'autonomous!'"

"I can too! A-U-T-O-N-O-M-I-S-S!"

Yami forces himself to stay expressionless. "Damn, I wish I knew if he's right..." he thinks to himself.

"Oh, you're all fools!" Yami Bakura proclaims with a great furling and waving of his arms. "We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes—"

Marik goes high-pitched voice again. "There you go, bringing class into it again."

"That's what it's all about!" Yami Bakura insists. "If only people would hear of—"

Yami interrupts him. "Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?"

"Nobody lives there," Marik says with a simple shrug.

Yami frowns, confused. "Then who is your lord?"

Marik drops the girly tone. "I am my _own_ master!"

Yami-B points at him. "He...er, _she _means we don't have a lord."

Yami wrinkles his eyebrows. "What?"

Yami-B rolls his eyes. "Baka, are you deaf? I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week."

Yami frowns. "Yes, I see, but I though he...I mean, she, (points at Marik, who scowls) said that this is an autonomous collective."

Yami-B waves his arms again. "Oh, it's the same Ra-forsaken thing. Anyways, all the decisions of said officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting—"

Yami interrupts. "Yes, I see."

"By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs..."

Yami twitches in annoyance. "Be quiet! Don't lecture _me_ about government!"

Yami-B closes eyes, continuing. "But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major—"

Yami stabs his finger at Yami-B. "Be quiet! I _order_ you to be quiet!"

Marik chuckles. "Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh..."

"I am your king!" Yami says bitterly.

Marik crosses his arms. "Well, I didn't vote for you!"

From off the set Jess yells, "ANARCHY!"

Yami rolls his red-violet eyes. "You don't _vote _for kings!"

"Well, how did you become king then?" Marik wonders.

Yami strikes a noble pose. "The Lady of the Lake...(random chorus appears and sings)...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. (Choir goes away) That is why I am your king!"

Marik bursts out laughing. "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! I personally like my idea of stealing the Millennium Puzzle and killing you."

Yami Bakura ignores him. "Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords are no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."

Everyone stares at him, mouths open in amazement.

Yami Bakura scans their faces and grins. "Impressed, no?"

"Be quiet!" Yami snaps.

Yami Bakura crosses his arms again. "Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!"

Kaiba snickers. "'Watery tart'?"

"Shut up!" Yami orders both "Dennis" and Kaiba.

Yami Bakura reclines, hands folded behind his head. "I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

Yami grabs Yami-B by the collar and starts shaking him. "Shut up, will you? SHUT UP!"

"Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system," Yami Bakura says calmly, gesturing to Yami.

Yami is now freaking out. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" He shakes him harder.

Yami-B is somehow enjoying this waaaay to much. "Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!" He flails for effect.

Yami throws him down. "BLOODY PEASANT!" he screams, grabs Yugi by the scruff and stalks off.

"Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?" Yami Bakura says to Marik.

Marik frowns unhappily. "Aw crap, one of my water balloons popped..."

Yami-B laughs, ignoring Marik. "Heheh...That was fun!"

"I didn't really understand it," Joey remarked. "Too many big words."

"Well, you'd really have to see the movie then," Amber explains. She looks at her watch. "Somehow, someway, even with all our memos...that whole thing took about six pages."

Yami Bakura grins widely. "And it was worth every letter just to see the pharaoh flip out like that."

"Say, I wonder how Shadow's doing with that Writer's Block..." Kaiba wonders out loud.

--Cut to Shadow--

ShadowSpirit: (is sitting on top of the block) Hmm I wonder when Bakura will get back...

Jess: Why'd you have him go look for a jackhammer?

ShadowSpirit: Because he doesn't have a sick mind. He's quite innocent.

Bakura: (comes running up, Yami Marik in tow) Hey Shadow!

ShadowSpirit: Well, speak of the devil...or angel, I guess...angel with a devil, maybe...anyways... Two questions: Why'd you bring me Yami Marik, and how'd you get him to put pants on?

Bakura: (leans in an whispers, looking proud of himself) Well, I told him the pants were Ra's own pair...

ShadowSpirit: Good, good. Kudos to you. And what about the first question? What's with Yami Marik?

Bakura: Well, he's always saying how girls like to have him around because he's got an Egyptian tan and a big jackhammer. I didn't really understand that, but...

ShadowSpirit: (mouth has dropped) O.O Oh Lord...

Bakura: (looks confuzzled) What?

Jess: (under her breath) Heh. Innocent all right. Innocent and stupid.

ShadowSpirit: (drops head into hands) Bakura...you and I need to have a reaaaaaally long talk...

Yami Marik: I've something for you, Shadow (winks).

ShadowSpirit: You go away!

Yami Marik: Whatever. (shrugs and walks off; one might wish to add that he is dragging along an actual jackhammer) Ingrates...

ShadowSpirit: O.o WAIT!

Joey: Here, use this (hands her the Keyblade from Kingdom Hearts) It could work.

ShadowSpirit: Ah yes, well, let's try it out. (swings Keyblade like a mace and brings it down on the Block) HYAAAAAAA!

CRACK! CLANG!

ShadowSpirit: O.o Eh oh...

Kaiba: Nice one. You broke the Keyblade.

Joey: Dat's one tough hunk o' concrete...

ShadowSpirit: You're telling me...

Jess: (inspects block) Heh. Not even a scrape.

ShadowSpirit: Craaaap...

* * *

The first time this ficcy was up, I got a lot of gifts and such to tackle the W.B. with. Well, this time around, know that if you send me something, I won't use it (or if I do, I won't say who sent it). I'm not trying to be stuck-up or anything; it's just that one of the reasons for the first deletion was that I was supposedly "interacting with readers." I just don't want to get deleted again. Sorry.

Thankies to all my reviewers! I love you!


	5. Tis only a flesh wound!

ShadowSpirit: (is sitting on the Writer's Block) So I just realized that I haven't updated "I Don't Believe in Fate" in a really long time. I did start the next chapter, but then my baka compy ate my disk. Haven't started it over yet, and prolly won't for a while. (Pats the block) I guess that means this damn thing is for that ficcy, not this one. I've got plenty of clear ideas for this one.

Amber: Gah! Shadow!! What did you do to Bakura?!

Bakura: (is sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth with eyes wide) Unclean... I am unclean...

ShadowSpirit: Oh, we had a little chat about certain metaphors and word usage. I hope I didn't scar the poor boy...

Amber: (goes off to comfort him)

Joey: (comes clanking up in his armor) I feel like a tin can.

ShadowSpirit: (sweatdrop) That's because that IS a tin can. Your REAL armor is over there. (points)

Joey: (is flabbergasted) I knew that...(clanks away)

ShadowSpirit: (shakes head) Ah well, what can ya do? Anyways, I posted another chapter for "Reign of Terror," though I haven't gotten any reviews for it yet (hint, hint). It's a tragic chapter... Anyways, yeah...Holy Grail...

* * *

The scene is King Yami "trotting" through several cardboard trees (bad paint job, I might add), Yugi in tow. Kaiba (the black knight) and Joey (green knight) are duking it out in a clearing...thing. Each is fully clad in armor and wielding a huge, two-handed sword.

Yami regards the trees, half bemused. "These props are pathetic..."

Meanwhile, Kaiba and Joey are making primordial male grunting noise whilst trying to skewer each other. "OOH! AAGH! AAAAGH!!" and etc.

Clank, thunk, scrape, clank, etc...

Jess props her feet up on a random desk. "You two remind me of Neanderthals beating each other with blunt clubs."

"I'm going to ignore that..." Kaiba grunts as he parries a blow. He hits Joey across the backs of his knees. "Hah!"

Joey, of course, falls over. He tries to get up but falls over again. "Ack! Stupid heavy armor!"

Kaiba laughs and kicks Joey in the side. "Ha—Ow! That hurt!"

Jess raises an eyebrow at him. "Maybe it wouldn't have if you had put on the metal boots that went with your outfit!"

Kaiba looks down at his black business shoes. "Oops. Heheh..."

Joey has managed to get up. He hits Kaiba across the head.

KLUNK!

"Hm, sounded strangely hollow, huh?" Joey taunts, laughing.

Kaiba growls. "Why you..." He whirls and slashes; Joey trips over a log placed convenient in his way and falls over again.

"Ahh! Crap, not again!!" He thrusts out with his feet, attempting to jolt himself up, when he "accidentally" kicks Kaiba somewhere...tender. Kaiba lets out a very un-Kaiba-ish squeak and crumples to the ground, gurgling unintelligently.

Everyone offset collectively winces and lets out an "Oooooh..."

Joey laughs triumphantly. "HAHAH!! Uh, I mean, oops sorry, bucko!" He snickers to himself and prods Kaiba in the side with his toe. "C'mon, get up. The moment has passed, we've got a scene to finish."

Kaiba struggles to his feet, still wincing, and grabs a very realistic mace. "I'll finish _you_! STAND STILL, DOGGY!"

Joey's eyes bug; he is just barely able to parry. "Wait! Isn't it the other way around?"

Kaiba stops his onslaught and cocks his head. "Huh?" They both dig out script books and flip to current scene. "Oh...hey, it is. Imagine that," he says. They trade weapons. "Okay. C'mon, you pansy!"

"You asked for it!" Joey yells, then runs at Kaiba swinging the mace like a madman. "OOOOORRRRREEEEEEAAAAARRRROOOOOOOAAAAAA!!!"

Jess raises an eyebrow. "What inspired that?"

Kaiba grins triumphantly. "Hah!" He does a classy spin and attempts to throw sword. Key word is 'attempts.'

Yami looks over a fake tree (they must be really bad if he can actually see over them, ne?) and forces to subdue a smile. "Heavier than it looks, huh?"

Kaiba winces badly. "Oooh I think I pulled a muscle..."

--One-hour hiatus for a massage and ice pack--

Kaiba is lying on one of those tables you find at spas. "Ya know Shadow...have you ever considered becoming a masseuse?"

ShadowSpirit frowns. "Um...no."

Kaiba closes his eyes, a tiny hint of a grin on his face. "Hn. Pity."

Shadow looks up at a clock. "Am I done yet? I'm not expert, but I don't think massages last a whole hour..."

Kaiba cranes his head to look over his shoulder. "I happen to be enjoying myself."

Jess cocks her head. "Well Kaiba, you might want to put a shirt on so she doesn't choke."

Kaiba sits up. "I don't think I look _that_ bad..."

Jess rolls her eyes, grinning. "No, she's choking on drool." She looks at Shadow and rolls her eyes again. "Napkin?"

"Heheh, thanks," Shadow gurgles.

Kaiba shakes head and puts shirt and armor back on, making sure to remember his metal boots this time, lol. He retrieves his sword and takes his place back on set. "Well, let's try this again."

Joey grins smugly. "Yes, let's."

Kaiba tries to throw the sword, this time without the classy spin. The sword lands about two feet away from him, imbedded in the ground. Kaiba waves an arm in exasperation. "Gah! It's too long! I'd have better luck trying to pole-vault with it!"

—Twenty minutes later—

"Hyah!" Kaiba raises the sword and lets go of it; it swings, carried by two pieces of fishing line, into Joey's stunt double: a sack of potatoes wearing a yellow mop.

"So realistic," Joey remarks from offset, downing handfuls of chips. Tristan reaches for the bag, but Joey slaps his hand. "Mine, not yours!" Tristan pouts but backs off. Meanwhile, the potato sack is prepared for its next cameo appearance.

Yami comes trotting up to Kaiba, who is blocking the bridge that spans a river. Actually, the bridge is a little stick set across a tiny trickle of water. It's really sad if ya think about it.

So anyway, Yami comes trotting up. He nods in respect at the black-armor-clad knight. "You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight."

Silence...

"I am Arthur, King of the Britons."

Silence...

"I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot. You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?"

Muchas silencio...

Yami frowns. "You make me sad. Really, you do. You are so unbelievably pathetic that—"

"Gah! Yami, wait!" Amber suddenly interrupts. "You gotta wait for Kaiba to take his place! He's not on set yet!"

Yami frowns, confused. "Then who's this?" he motions at the figure barring his passage.

"That's the sack of potatoes!"

Yami's face lights up. "Ohhh... Well then, come along Patsy." Yami and Yugi prepare to step across the pathetic trickle of water.

Kaiba suddenly rushes out of nowhere, shoves the potatoes out of his way, and holds his arms out, blocking the starfish-haired youths. "NONE shall pass!"

Jess looks up from her magazine. "What took you so long?"

Kaiba scowls. "Couldn't find my armor."

The blonde points. "The potatoes are wearing it."

"I NOTICED THAT! Now, where was I?" Kaiba says, picking up pieces of his armor and putting then back on. "Ah yes, NONE SHALL PASS!!"

Yami crosses his arms and glares. "I have a quarrel with you."

Yugi tugs at his dark's sleeve and hisses, "NO quarrel, it's NO quarrel!"

Yami shrugs. "Whatever. But I must cross this bridge!"

"Then you shall DIE!" Kaiba proclaims with gusto.

Yami stabs his finger at Kaiba. "I command you, as king of the Britons, to move aside!"

"I move for no man," the brunette growls, annunciating each syllable.

Yami gets this crazy, sly look in his eyes. He swiftly strides offset, grabs Marik (who is still for some reason in his pervious costume, including solitary water balloon), and drags him over to the river. "Will you move aside for this fellow?"

Kaiba had to debate for a moment on whether or not to cooperate with his archrival, but the temptation soon won him over. Kaiba gives an elaborate, flowing bow. "Right this way, madam."

"I hate you all," Marik seethes. He rips his arm out of Yami's grasp and stalks off. Yami is grinning broadly and a faint smile is apparent on Kaiba's lips.

"I can't believe you played along," Yami says with a laugh.

"Neither can I," Kaiba shrugs and goes back into Arrogant-Black-Knight mode. "I move for no man!"

Yami draws his sword. "So be it."

They charge at each other and the sounds of contacting steel ring throughout the set. Yami pulls some fancy footwork and slices off Kaiba's right arm. Kaiba squeezes a ketchup bottle hidden in his armor.

Yami twirls sword triumphantly and steps back. "Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!"

Kaiba doesn't move. "Tis but a scratch!"

"A scratch?! Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't!"

Yami points to the ground. "Well, what's that then?"

Kaiba follows the pointed finger. The severed arm wiggles off set. "Ew, grossness! Ahem, I've had worse."

Yami points angrily. "You LIE! And do you know what happens to liars??"

Tristan, Joey, and for some strange reason, Yami Marik, all leap out of nowhere and shout, "THEY GO TO HELL!! BURN, BABY, BUUUURN!!!"

Kaiba blinks. "This day just keeps getting weirder. Anyway, c'mon, you pansy! Hyah!"

Now, one watching the sword-fighting scene would get the idea that Kaiba absolutely sucks when it comes to weapons. The truth is...well, he actually kinda does. Sorry bucko, why don't you stick to martial arts?

Yami slices off the left arm.

"GAHH YOU GOT MY REAL F&#ING ARM THAT TIME!" Kaiba screams, clutching his upper arm.

Yami grimaces and lowers his sword. "Oops...well, victory is mine, I guess."

Amber waves a hand disdainfully. "Just get on with it, Yami. He'll live."

Yami nods, then kneels and bows his head. "I thank thee Ra, that in thy merc—OOMPH!"

The 'oomph' of course is due to Kaiba's foot coming in contact with Yami's side. "Hah!" Kaiba crows, then kicks him again. "Come on then!"

Yami looks as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar. "_What_?"

"Have at thee, coward!" Kaiba kicks him again.

Yami bats Kaiba away and tired to stand up. "Eh, you are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but kick OW the fight is mine!"

Kaiba jumps around tauntingly. "Oh, had enough, eh?"

Yami's eye narrow. "Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!"

"Yes I have!" Kaiba insists.

"YOU LIE!" Yami Marik shouts. "BUUUUURN! BUUUUUUUURN!!!"

The cast exchanges looks and shrugs. Amber frowns. "Is it even possible to be drunk for this long??"

"Apparently so," Jess answers.

"It's getting kinda old..."

"Yep."

Yami glares at Yami Marik, then back at Kaiba. "Look! No arms!"

"Just a flesh would," Kaiba says haughtily. He kicks Yami again.

Yami gets to his feet and draws his sword again. "Stop that!"

"Chicken! Chickennn!" Kaiba shrieks, jumping around like a demented frog. "Pock pock pock!!"

"Look, I'll have your leg!" Yami yells. "Right!"

Whop! No more right leg. Right leg go bye-bye.

Kaiba looks from the severed leg to Yami and back again. "Right! I'll do you for that!"

Yami makes a face of disgust. "You'll _what_?"

"Come here!" Kaiba starts hopping madly on one leg towards Yami.

Yami rolls his violet eyes exaggeratedly. "What are you gonna do, bleed on me?"

Kaiba flings himself at Yami, ketchup spurting everywhere. "I'M INVINCIBLE!!"

Yami shoves him away and folds his arms. "You're a loony," he states simply.

"THE BLACK KNIGHT ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! HAVE AT YOU! COME ON THEN!"

Yami rolls his eyes and chops off the last leg. Of course, by now it's no longer Kaiba getting hacked to bits but the infamous sack of potatoes, which we'll name Loretta.

Loretta flops to the ground. Yami grins smugly at him. "Oh all right. We'll call it a draw. Come, Patsy." Yami and Yugi trot off set.

Kaiba yells after them. "Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

Yami throws a smirk over his shoulder. "Considering you have a tin can over head, I doubt that very much."

Kaiba frowns. "Ah crap!"

* * *

—Meanwhile, at the W.Block—

ShadowSpirit: (sits on the Block, pondering) Hmm...

Joey: I still say dynamite.

ShadowSpirit: Isn't that a bit...dramatic?

Joey: I don't think so. Say, why is the sack of potatoes named Loretta?

ShadowSpirit: In lieu of my favorite scene from Monty Python's Life of Brian, which I'll quote next chapter. Too tired now.

Yami Marik: (sashays in and randomly just lays down on the floor at Shadow's feet)

Joey: (jerks head in Y.Marik's direction) What's up with that?

ShadowSpirit: (shrugs) No idea. I thought at first that if I just ignore him he'll go away but life is not that fair.

Yami Marik: (rubs head on Shadow's leg and purrs) Hey cutie.

ShadowSpirit: O.O (jerks leg away) You pervert!

Yami Marik: (more purring, tries to crawl up Shadow's leg)

ShadowSpirit: Ack! You leave me no choice! (whips out weapon of choice: her 8.5-pound, 2.5-inch-thick Advance Placement Biology textbook) Take that!

THONK!

Yami Marik: (is flat on his back, unconscious)

Joey: (gestures) See kids? This is what happens if you drink. So stay away from the booze.

Kaiba: (has seen the whole thing) AP Bio, huh? Smart and lethal...I like you.

ShadowSpirit: Hey Kaiba. Did you bring it?

Kaiba: Ohhh yessss. Here, I proudly introduce you to the latest innovation in KaibaCorp technology! (whips out briefcase and pulls an elaborate ray gun from inside) It's my baby!

ShadowSpirit: Ooh! (claps in excitement) Try it, try it!

Kaiba: Aright, here goes nothing! (aims ray gun at W.B. and pulls trigger. A beam of bright green light shoots out. There is an explosion and smoke goes everywhere)

ShadowSpirit: Is it gone?

As the smoke clears everyone can see...that it is not gone. It's not even scratched.

ShadowSpirit: I think your gun is broken, Kaiba.

Kaiba: (all frustrated) It can't be broken! (aims at an empty spot on the floor for experiment)

There is now an extremely large, gaping pit in the ground.

Everyone: O.o

Kaiba: (looks at gun in amazement) Holy...

ShadowSpirit: ...And now we have another problem...

(Gah! Stupid thing is doing that wouldn't let me log in for two days! Gah!)


	6. Masters of Destruction

ShadowSpirit: Wow, I really love working on this ficcy. The support I get is wonderful! I love you all, readers and reviews! And the best chapters have yet to come, too!

Joey: So, you were gonna tell us about Loretta...

ShadowSpirit: (happy smile spreads on face) Ahhh yes... The greatest Monty Python scene to ever walk the earth... Well, in my opinion anyway. The scene is from Life of Brain, which I want to do a parody of (like Holy Grail) but I haven't actually watched it yet... I just found a site with M.Python scripts and was reading through. That's how I get all my lines to this ficcy; you guys didn't think I had the whole movie memorized, didja? So, yes, Loretta... Tristan, Yami-B, Tea, and Marik will act out part of the scene. (It's long; I'm not doing the whole thing.) Take it away, boys.

Yami Bakura is in the middle of addressing a crowd "...and it the birthright of every man-"

"Or woman," Tristan suddenly interjects.

Yami-B glares at him. "Why don't you shut up about women? You're putting us off."

Tristan crosses his arms. "Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement."

Marik sighs. "Why are you always on about women?"

"I want to be one."

Yami-B does a double take. "What?"

Tristan's face is set. "I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta."

Yami-B and Marik stare. "_What_??"

Tristan shrugs. "It's my right as a man."

Tea pops out of the crowd. "Well, why do you want to be Loretta?"

Tristan/Loretta says, "I want to have babies."

"You want to have _babies_?!" Yami Bakura cries in disbelief.

Loretta folds his arms. "It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them."

"But...you can't have babies!" Yami-B says in ridicule.

Loretta points a dangerous finger. "Don't you oppress me!"

Yami-B rolls his eyes. "I'm not oppressing you. You haven't got a womb. Where is the fetus going to gestate? You're going to keep it in a box?"

Loretta sniffles. Tea decides to try and play diplomat. "Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies?"

Marik raises his forefinger. "Good idea! We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister! Sorry."

Yami-B frowns and crosses his arms. "What's the point?"

"What?"

"What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?" Yami-B questions with disdain.

Marik shrugs. "It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression."

"Symbolic of his struggle against reality," Yami-B mutters under his breath.

* * *

ShadowSpirit: It was all the part about the fetus gestating in the box that did it for me. Gah, I laughed for like ten minutes straight! I hope you guys liked it.

Joey: So...you're saying the sack of potatoes wants to have babies?

ShadowSpirit: (sweatdrop) Er, no, I just wanted to put the name "Loretta" in somewhere, tis all.

Amber: (comes walking in with Jess) Holy... What happened to the floor?!

ShadowSpirit: (points to Kaiba) And I have decided to dub that the Plot Hole. Sister to the Writer's Block. Yay, two things to try and get rid of.

Jess: Heh. Sucks to be you.

ShadowSpirit: No, sucks to be innocent bystanders. I called in the masters of destruction to help me out.

Amber: Who are they?

ShadowSpirit: (smirks) Yami Bakura and Yami Marik.

Kaiba: Oh no.

Yami Bakura: (sneers) Oh yes.

Joey: (runs screaming from the set) God save us all!!

ShadowSpirit: (shrugs) Well, before we completely destroy the set, let's take care of this chapter. Besides, Yami Marik is still drunk (and unconscious) and I don't trust him around heavy artillery.

Kaiba: Ah, smart.

* * *

The scene is a dirt road running through a village (cardboard cutouts of houses propped up by brooms) leading to a scaffold-type thing. All in all, the props aren't as bad this time around; the Authoress had more time to paint and construct. But right now, we aren't at this particular set; we are in the back by a large pile of wood.

"Now remember folks," Amber addresses Kaiba, Yami (who isn't playing the King right now), Duke, Marik, and Yami-B, "You don't want to use the boards with nails. Use the un-nailed boards."

Everyone else pouts. "That is no fun!" One might mention that they are all in ratty, brown, old priest robes, except Yami-B who is in the Obi-Wan outfit. Oh yes, and Marik disposed of the balloon.

Amber raises an eyebrow at them. "Um, you do know you'll be hitting YOURSELVES with these, right?"

Everybody carefully picks around the boards with nails and begins to look for smooth planks. Amber grins to herself. "I thought so." She leaves them to fend for themselves.

After acquiring their planks, the five bishies (mmm) are left to decide the order upon which they shall stand. Yami-B motions at the empty spot to his left. "Why Kaiba, I've kept this spot nice and warm for you," he says smiling his evil-chipmunk-master grin.

Kaiba grins slyly. "No thanks. I want to stand next to my good buddy, the Pharaoh." He steps into the spot next to Yami.

Yami fidgets. Yami-B shrugs and stands next to Marik, thumping his board against his hand menacingly. Marik fidgets.

Duke looks around. "I DON'T GET ANYONE TO BEAT!" he yells. The other four guys point to the solitary spot at the start of their group.

"Only a TRUE Game King like you deserves to lead the group, Duke," Kaiba says expressively, nodding and making little shooing motions with his hands. He then smirks at Yami again. "You're all mine, shorty."

"Yes! I shall lead as I am destined to!" Duke happily stands at the head of the group. He begins to wander down the path, muttering his lines. He then notices that the other four haven't moved. "HEY!!"

Yami-B smacks his script book against a wall. "What is this crap?? I don't speak this language!"

Kaiba shrugs. "Well, then we'll just mutter incoherently. No skin off our backs."

Yami claps. "Let's sing! Like a song and dance number!"

Yami Bakura whomps Yami smartly on the head with his board. "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!"

Yami rubs his head, glaring. "YOU SMASHED MY HAIR!!" he yells and swings at the tomb robber with his board. Yami-B jumps out of the way.

Yami-B does his best "ghetto" impression (which isn't very good). "Oh, you wanna MESS??"

"Yes I do!" Both Yamis then begin to pummel each other with the planks. Marik and Kaiba take a step back and out of the fray and regard it with interest.

"Wow, I didn't know Yami had it in him," Marik comments upon seeing the pharaoh beat the stuffing out of poor Yami-B.

"It's like a hard-core pillow fight," Kaiba remarks.

Marik pulls up a folding chair. "Popcorn?"

Kaiba pulls up another. "Don't mind if I do."

With a resounding CRACK!, Yami breaks his board in half over the tomb-robber's head. Yami-B flops into the dust, unconscious. Yami places a foot on his chest and crows mightily. "The King of Games wins yet again!"

BLADONK!!

Yami, looking quite surprised, swoons and crumples over Yami Bakura's body. Behind him stands Duke, brandishing his board, quite obviously the one who bladonked him.

"HAHAH! I AM THE TRUE MASTER OF ALL NOW!!!" Duke bellows. He plants his feet, balls his fists, flexes his arms at the elbows and throws his head back. Now that he has achieved the maximal Maniac Laughter position, he laughs maniacally. "MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH!!!

Kaiba and Marik exchange an approving glance. "We could make something of this kid," Marik claims. He then wrinkles his eyebrows. "But he is overly fond of yelling..."

Duke goes to spit in Yami's face but it just dribbles down his chin. "GAH!!"

"Not very graceful, either," Kaiba comments, watching Duke frantically wiping at his face.

"WILL YOU MORONS HURRY UP?!" comes Amber's agitated voice.

Kaiba looks down at the unconscious yamis. "Oh crap! We can't run this scene with three people!"

Marik shrugs. "Guess we'll just have to wait for them to wake up."

"That could take forever!"

Marik shrugs again. He and Kaiba shove the yamis under Joey's tarp. You know, to destroy evidence or whatever. Amber then shows up backstage. "What the heck have you been doing back here? Where are Yami and Yami-B?"

"Quick, think fast!" Kaiba hisses to the Egyptian.

Marik says the first thing that pops into his head. "They're having an orgy somewhere."

Kaiba falls over. Amber frowns. "You can't have an orgy with two people!"

Marik ponders for a second, then pipes up, "Yugi and Bakura are there too!"

Amber's eyes bug out of her skull. "NOOOO!! My poor baby! He has been corrupted by Shadow's evil teachings!"  
Amber runs off to hurt Shadow (A/N- Everything comes back to me... Guess I'd better start running).

Kaiba gets up off the ground and brushes himself off. Then he smacks Marik. "_That_ was the best thing you could come up?!"

Marik folds his arms. "Well I didn't see you helping."

Kaiba pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "I need to stop getting myself into these things."

Just then, there is a sort of groan from under the tarp. Yami pushes the tarp off him and stands up, hand on his head. "Oh man..."

"Good morning sunshine," Kaiba says mockingly.

"Oh, I ache!" Yami complains loudly, ignoring the brunette. "Hey, where's the tomb robber?"

"Apparently still unconscious," Marik says, motioning.

Yami scoffs. "Good. He can stay that way."

"You do realize we'll have to explain this to Amber, right?"

"We'll have to explain a lot of things to Amber," Kaiba mutters.

xXx

"Hey Amber. You look ready to murder someone!" Jess proclaims brightly.

"Oh, I am about to murder someone," Amber growls. She explains what Marik said.

Jess blinks. "Not only is that completely disturbing, but it's also not true. Yugi and Bakura are trying to teach Shadow how to play poker. They're over there."

Looking extremely relived, Amber runs over to find that Yugi and Bakura are doing just that.

"I still don't get it," Shadow complains. "This game makes me angry!"

Yugi sighs. "Well, just keep working with it. Practice makes perfect."

"That's silly. Hey, have we started the scene yet?"

Everyone hesitates and answers in unison: "No."

Shadow sighs. "It seems awfully late to start now... So, let's work on the Block and Plot Hole!"

They all go over and peer cautiously into the Plot Hole. It is very dark and appears bottomless.

"Well, this could present a problem," Shadow says. She shrugs. "Ah well. Better make the best of it." She throws her baka computer down into it. "Good riddance!"

At that moment, Yami Marik and Yami-B (holding another ice pack to his head) come striding up. "The Masters of Destruction have arrived!"

Some people cheer, but most run away screaming. Shadow decides typing in story-format is very annoying.

ShadowSpirit: Yay! Let's get working, o' masters!

Yami Marik: (scans a checklist) Well, let's see what's already been tried. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, yes I do have a heinous hangover.

Yami-B: Your own fault. Chisel and hammer?

ShadowSpirit: Tried it.

Yami Marik: Jackhammer?

ShadowSpirit: (eyes narrow) You were there.

Yami Marik: So I was.

Yami-B: Some futuristic weapon that's probably illegal?

ShadowSpirit: (looks from Kaiba to the Plot Hole) I'm not even gonna answer that one.

Yami Marik: Well. That leaves one thing.

ShadowSpirit: Dynamite?

Yami Marik: Okay, two things.

ShadowSpirit: Well, what did you have in mind?

Yami-B: We call it Fun Waiting to Happen.

Yami Marik: You call it a nuclear warhead.

ShadowSpirit: Holy _mother_! You brought a freakin' NUKE into the studio??!?

Yamis B&M: (exchange a look) Yes.

They hook up the nuke as Shadow ushers everyone away to a safe distance.

ShadowSpirit: (is behind a thick wall with the masters of destruction) Can I push the button?

Yami Marik: I'm pushing the button.

Yami-B: No, I am!

Yami Marik: No you aren't, you fool!

They get into a fistfight.

Joey: I'll settle this. (pushes button)

_Ka-BAMPPPPPPHH! _

Joey: Whooooo-whe! That was awesome!

Yami Marik: You didn't...(dagger eyes)

Yami-B: (foams at the mouth) GrrrrrrrrRrrrr...

ShadowSpirit: My destro—GAH!! IT'S STILL THERE!!!!

ShadowSpirit: Guys. I'm sorry. That wasn't a very funny chapter. I'm disappointed in myself.


	7. A shoutout to all pyros!

ShadowSpirit: Hey everyone. I'm glad you all liked that last chapter, even though I wasn't happy with it. Guess I'm my own worst critic. Thanks for the support!

Btw, sorry for the lack of updates. I've just been so unbelievably busy and I have no studyhall anymore. On the plus side, instead of studyhall I have Women's Health and Fitness, which is THE most fun class I have ever taken. Seriously, all we've done so far is walk around the school, roll on the floor, and play battleball. Oh yeah, and weight train (so fun). My one friend (we call her Gustava) joked that by the end of the year, we'd all be shmen. (I really hope we aren't...)

Btw, I have found a new true love: Invader Zim. Sure, I had made references to him in past stories that are no longer with us, but up until now, I've never actually watched the show. It's so funny... I like Gir. "Gir, what happened to your fuel!" "I emptied it." "WHY!" "To make room for the tuna!" (Gir starts sucking on his foot).

Heehee, Gir...

* * *

ShadowSpirit: (is sitting on the crumbled remains of what might've been part of a ceiling) Okay, so in this chapter, I actually want to accomplish something.

Kaiba: (with fake astonishment) _No!_

ShadowSpirit: Shut it, you. Now, many people have been looking forward to the whole burning-of-the-witch thing. Guess which lovely lady I've chosen?

Jess: Tea.

Amber: Tea.

Tea: Um, Mai?

Mai: Tea.

Marik: I'd say Tea but she ain't lovely. I think it's Shadow herself.

ShadowSpirit: You have a point but why the heck would I subject myself to you people like that? Anyways, you're all wrong. I chose Jess.

Jess: That's what I thoug—SAY WHAT?

Kaiba: (grins) This'll be interesting.

Jess: Shadow, what'd I ever do to you?

ShadowSpirit: Welllll... I thought I'd spice things up a bit. Plus, last week you were making fun me.

Jess: You asked me if bananas were waterproof!

ShadowSpirit: Well, you never answered me.

Jess: And then you peeled it, decided you didn't want to eat it just yet, and taped the peel back together!

ShadowSpirit: Shut up! I didn't want it to get brown! Just go get dressed. And if you aren't ready in five minutes, I'm sending you home!

Jess: Promise?

ShadowSpirit: (head drops into hands) Agh...

Yami-B: Ya know, you really shouldn't have her be the witch. She's not YGO. She's not legit.

ShadowSpirit: Ooh, you're right... Okay, you're up, Tea.

Jess: For once, I am happy you're here, Yami-B.

Tea: Poo...

* * *

Scene is...well... We no longer have props so I guess there is no true stage set up, but a little path has been cleared for the five priests to walk down. The path leads to a slab of cement set up to act as a makeshift platform thingly.

Amber looks around. "Hey, where's Kaiba?"

"He went home," Marik shrugs. "Said something about how this place'll be radioactive for five years 'cuz of that nuke and that he doesn't want a tumor to grow in his kidney."

Amber stares at him. "Is that what was giving me that feeling of impending doom?"

Marik shrugs again. "Yeah, it happens to all of us at times."

"Well, go and get him. We need him for this part."

"No problem-o," Marik remarks and moseys off to KaibaCorp.

One Hour Later-

Marik comes back, towing Kaiba, who is wearing a rather gaudy green radiation suit. Amber raises an eyebrow but doesn't say anything. She just points to his costume bag. Kaiba gives a muffled grumble and grabs the robes.

Half-hour Later-

Duke, Kaiba, Marik, Yami, and Yami-B are walking down said path, dressed in their robes and holding various pipes and chunks of brick due to the fact that the wooden planks are buried under the remnants of the studio. Needless to say, they aren't too happy about the fact they need to hit themselves.

So they walk down the path, muttering in Latin, hitting each other and cursing. Well, except for Duke, who just whacks his lead pipe against random debris.

"Pie esu domine..."

THOMP! Goes Kaiba's weapon-of-choice against Yami's head. "Ow!" Yami growls at Kaiba.

WHACK! "Dammit!" Kaiba yells, rubbing the back of his head.

BONK! Marik hits Yami-B. "Bastard!" Yami-B hisses and swings his board.

CRACK! Marik doubles over, ogling. "My spleen!"

Ding! Goes Duke's pipe against a pole.

"Dona eis requiem..."

THWACK! "F#ing—"

CRUNCH! "Bloody flippin' hell!"

SMACK! "Ra damn you!"

BLADONK! "Sonofabitch!"

Ding!

"Pie esu domine..."

Thus continues for quite some time. Yami eventually staggers out of formation to get ready for his appearance as the king.

"Ha-hah! Can't take the heat, can you, Game King?" Kaiba yells after him, brandishing his concrete slab triumphantly. "MuwahahahahaACK!"

Kaiba flops over, belted across the head by Duke's pipe. "Now we all got to beat on someone!" Duke cries happily and picks up where Kaiba left off. "Muwahahahaha!"

Just then, Tristan and Joey shove through the four "priests" holding a very vocal Tea between them.

"GAH! I'M NOT A WITCH! FRIENDS SHOULDN'T DO THIS TO EACH OTHER! FRIENDS SHOULD STICK UP AND DEFEND EACH OTHER AND—"

And Tristan promptly clamps his hand over her mouth. He and Joey start yelling, "A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! BURN BURN BUUUURN!"

Yugi, Bakura, and various others glance at their scripts. Yugi frowns. "Those weren't your lines, guys. Those lines were ours. We're the crowd."

Yami Marik leaps out of the crowd. "BURN HER! BUURN BABY BURN!"

Tristan and Joey stuff him back into the mob. Tristan steps forward. "Ahem...We have found a witch. May we burn her?"

Silence. They all stare at the empty pedestal before them.

Amber whips out her cast list. "Okay, who's supposed to play Bedevere!"

Jess, who is in the crowd, whips out a chair and magazine and promptly sits down. "Shadow didn't sign out a part to anyone. She couldn't decide who'd be best for it."

"Oh." Amber scratches her head. "Well, it'd need to be someone who idolizes Yami. I'm thinking Marik."

Marik spazzes. "WHAT! I DON'T IDOLIZE THAT SPOILED PHARAOH!"

Jess reclines and grins. "That's the beauty of it."

"Just be glad you aren't Patsy," Amber tries.

"I think it's a perfect match," Jess continues. "Both their voices are gratingly annoying."

Marik throws her _the_ dirtiest look but climbs onto the pedestal anyways. "How do you _know_ she is a witch?"

"She looks like one!" Joey claims. Indeed, Tea is dressed in a cheap Halloween costume complete with a hat and long, carrot-like nose.

The crowd behind them jeers and bustles. "Right! Yeah! Yeah!"

Marik squints at her. "Bring her forward."

Tristan and Joey carry her forward, crowd-surfing style, and plop her down. Tea stomps her foot angrily. "I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch."

Marik frowns. "Uh, but you are dressed as one."

Tea points a finger of blame towards her two captors. "They dressed me up like this!"

Jess barely raises her head from a copy of DRAGON (that's a Dungeons and Dragons mag, 's got cool pictures). "The perverts..."

Joey waves his hands in denial. "Augh, we didn't! We didn't..."

"And this isn't my nose. It's a false one," Tea complains, proving it by ripping the fake nose off her face. Except some genius glued it on, so it took some skin with it. "AAAGH, MY FACE! GAH, MY FACE! IT HURTS!"

"Yeah, well it's killing me," Jess mutters.

Marik unsuccessfully tries to surpress a chuckle. "Mpheheh...Well?"

Tristan looks down and scuffs his show. "Well, we did do the nose."

"The nose?"

Tristan gives in. "And the hat, but she is a witch!"

"Yeah!" Joey yells enthusiastically.

The crowd starts to cheer again. "We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!"

"Did you dress her up like this?" Marik inquires.

Tristan shakes his head and waves his hands in a gesture of innocent. "No!"

"No." Joey and (a rather bruised) Duke copy the motion. "No. No."

"No," Duke says again. Marik raises an eyebrow.

Tristan scuffs his shoe. "Yes."

Joey fidgets. "Yes."

Yes," Tristan says guiltily. "Yeah, a bit."

Duke nods. "A bit".

Joey and Tristan motion with their hands a small amount. "A bit."

"A BIT!" Duke exclaims enthusiastically. Joey gives him a subtle but sharp jab in the ribs. "OW!"

Tristan mashes his finger in Tea's face. "She has got a wart!"

Tea bits him. Tristan screams. Jess coughs to avoid laughing.

Marik rolls his eyes. "What makes you think she is a witch?"

"She turned me into a NEWT!" Duke yells.

"You don't even know what a newt is!" Tea snaps.

Marik frowns. "A newt?"

There is a gaping silence. Jess decides that this bores her, so she gets up and leaves. Her magazine is abandoned on the chair.

After about ten minutes, someone finally whispers Duke's line to him. "I got better!" he says in a rush. There is a pause of consideration...

Joey pumps his fist in the air. "BURN HER ANYWAY!"

Tristan jumps up and down excitedly. "BURN!"

The crowd begins to shout, "BURN, BURN, BURN!"

Marik sighs and massages his temples. "Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch."

Tristan seems puzzled. "There are?"

Joey cocks his head. "What are they?"

"Tell us! Tell us!" the crowd cries.

"Tell me, what do you do with witches?" Marik starts.

"BURN!" Tristan yells.

"Burn!" Joey exclaims.

"Burn! Burn them up! Burn, baby burn!" the crowd jeers.

Marik holds up his forefinger, silencing them. "And what do you burn apart from witches?"

Tristan jumps and shouts, "More witches!"

"Shh!" Duke hisses and smacks him. Yami Marik swipes Jess's magazine off the chair with a grin and scurries off.

"Wood!" Joey yells spontaneously.

"So, why do witches burn?" Marik asks Duke.

Duke speaks slowly and uncertainly. "Be...cause...they're made of... wood?"

Marik claps, a bit sarcastically. "Good!"

The crowd exchanges nods of understanding. "Oh yeah. Oh."

"So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?" Marik questions.

"Build a bridge out of her!" Tristan exclaims eagerly. Joey slaps him.

"What bizarre logic entitles that you can build a bridge out of Tea?" Joey demands.

Marik nods. Yeah, can you not also make bridges out of stone?"

Tristan rubs his head in thought. "Oh yeaaah."

"Does wood sink in water?" Marik prompts.

"No. No."

"No, it floats! It floats!" Joey cries, sounding proud of himself.

"Throw her into the pond!" Tristan yells, grabbing Tea and slinging her over his shoulder.

"The pond! Throw her into the pond!" yells the crowd.

"No! Gah! You'll ruin my hair!" Tea's nails rip into Tristan's face. He drops her in a jiffy to nurse his wounds.

Marik makes them all settle down. "What also floats in water?"

"Bread!"

"Apples!"

"Uh, very small rocks!" Duke says. Joey smacks him.

"Cider!" cries Tristan excitedly.

"Uh, gra- gravy!"

"Cherries!"

"Mud!"

"Churches! Churches!" Duke cries, hopping up and down. Joey smacks him again.

"Lead! Lead!" Tristan exclaims. Peasants are apparently idiots. Joey smacks him, too.

Yami shoves his way past a dirty peasant and says, regally, "A duck!"

"Oooh..." goes a wowed crowd.

Yami Marik, watching from the shadows, throws up his arms. "The great gods of Egypt have blessed us by breaking this curse of idiocy! We must thank the gods! To do so, I give this burnt offering!"

He then promptly burns Jess's magazine.

(To hell with Ra, that pyro just wanted to burn something...)

Back on the set, Marik grins. "Exactly. So, logically..."

"Logic abandoned this place years ago..." Yami mutters darkly.

Tristan stares, captivated. "If... she... weighs... the same as a duck... she's made of wood...?"

"Yes," Marik affirms. "And therefore?"

Joey and Tristan's faces light up. "A witch! A witch!"

"A witch! A witch!"

Yami Bakura shoves through the crowd. "Here is a duck. Use this duck."

"Quack quack quack," goes the duck. The duck then decides that it does not like Yami-B, so it attacks Yami-B.

"QUAAAAAAAACK!"

"YAAAAAAHHHHH!" Yami-B screams and flails wildly. Ducks have sharp lil' toe-claws, ya know.

Eventually, the chaos wears itself out. Marik picks up the tired duck and Yami-B bares his teeth at it. Feathers have flown everywhere.

"We shall use my largest scales," Marik decides and leads the crowd away from the scratched and angry tomb robber.

We come up to a set of horrific scales. They appear to be paper-mache. Tea plants her feet. "That looks unsafe! I'm not getting on those!"

"Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh..." The crowd shoves Tea up onto one of the scales. The duck is placed on the other side

Marik nods. "Right. Remove the supports!"

Whop, clunk, creak... Tea's side is even to the duck's.

The crowd does a collective hooray and hi-fives each other. "A witch! A witch! A witch!"

Tea points wildly as Joey and Tristan carry her away. "ITS NOT FAIR! THE SCALES ARE RIGGED! RIGGED, I TELL YOU! YOU GUYS ARE CRAPPY FRIENDS!"

Duke clamps his hand over her mouth. "Burn her!"

"Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!" goes the crowd. As they leave, one can see that, indeed, the scales are rigged. Nobody cares, though.

Marik turns to Yami. "Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?"

Yami grins nobly. "I am Arthur, King of the Britons."

"My lnnge..." Marik forces out, choking on his words. Malice on his face, he gives a jerky bow instead of kneeling. "My liege."

Yami tries very hard not to laugh, but a smile slips through anyways. "Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?"

"I'd rather die," Marik mutters.

"What?" Yami puts a hand to his ear.

"I would be honored," Marik growls.

"What is your name?"

"Bedevere, my liege."

"Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table."

"Good riddance!"

Seeing that the scene is over, Jess comes back for her magazine. Which, of course, is not there. Which, of course, means heads are gonna roll.

"WHO THE HELL TOOK MY MAGAZI—" She is cut off by Tea, who blows past, yelling her brains out. Tristan, Joey, and Duke aren't far behind and they carry flaming torches.

"WAAAAAAAAAHH!

"Catch that witch!"

"Don't let her get away!"

"Someone get a wooden stake!"

"That's for vampires, you moron!"

"I knew that..."

"Like hell you did!"

"What was that, foo?" Initiate fistfight...

Jess growls and stalks off to find the divine and lovely Authoress. The blonde finds her way to the Writer's Block, Shadow's usual hang. As usual, Shadow is there, but she is not alone. There is a stranger in these here parts.

* * *

Jess: Who the hell are you?

Stranger: My name is Hao.

ShadowSpirit: (jumps up excitedly) He's from Shaman King! He came all the way from the studio across town!

Jess: (stares)

Hao: I'm just visiting briefly. I saw an explosion and decided to see what happened.

Shadow: He's gonna help me destroy the WB!

Hao: I damn well should, they named me Zeke!

Shadow: Zeke is a bad name for you, Hao-sama. But I was referring to the Block.

Hao: (soft grin) Of course.

Yami Marik: (comes strolling in) So does this mean I'm old fodder?

Shadow: Yes. Hao-sama is my muse now. Look at his awesome pants! (And if none of you know who Hao is, go on Google and search for Hao Asakura under images.)

Hao: It _is_ a pity I have to kill you later...

Shadow: Nuh-uh! I'm gonna train to become a shaman! Then I can live in your human-free Utopia-thing! (runs off to train)

* * *

ShadowSpirit: I love Hao. He looks so...cuddly. The weird thing is, he kinda looks like me after I first wake up, cause my hair is really long and it separates into those bang-things like he has. And I was wrapped in my Native American blanket and I looked in the mirror and I'm like, "Whoa, I kinda look like Hao!" Then I kinda smiled and did my best Hao-facial-expression and I had to stop because I was starting to scare myself...

Please review!


	8. French Kaiba of DOOM!

ShadowSpirit: Y'know, I just realized that I've completely forgotten about "Shadow-chan's Cliffjumping Service." If any of you have read it and have an idea of a funny oneshot, lemme know ASAP. I kinda don't know where to go with it, and I don't want to give up on yet another fict.

Soo... I wasn't really sure how to do these next few scenes. The Camelot scene is just a big song and dance number, and I haven't seen the movie recently so I don't remember all the actions and whatnot. Then the scene where God comes down is really short... So we'll see what happens.

BTW, domo arigato for the reviews. They made my day.

* * *

ShadowSpirit: Awright, now let's respond to some reviews!

To Kokoro and Joe: Wow...I'm really flattered. I'd be horrible at "Who's Line"; mainly because I can't think that fast and also because I'm very shy...not that it seems that way here.

To SaturnMax: I would give my left hand for a genuine pair of Hao-pants. Meaning the ones straight off his body. And still warm.

To Master Elora Dannan: Holy crap... I never knew that. All I know is that when I was in Hawaii, I bought a coconut bra. I guess that's as authentic as it's gonna get, huh? (Btw, in case you are all wondering, it _is_ rather itchy.)

To Juel Haruna: Yeahhh...this will take a while...(sweatdrop)

To WeirdPerson: Well, when he's all wrapped up in his cloak-thing, he looks cuddly... And yes, he is hot. And yes, he does have a massively sweet and awesome six-pack.

Hao: (lifts up cloak) Yeah, I got this from 1000 years of shamanic training.

ShadowSpirit: Oooh, can I feel it? I've never touched a six-pack before...

Hao: Hm...(closed-eye smile) Sure.

ShadowSpirit: Sweet! (rubs his tummy...giggle, giggle...) Heehee!

Yami Marik: (is sulking) I swear she's trying to make me jealous...

Amber: Ooooh I wanna feel it too! (runs over)

Hao: (is soon enveloped in a swarm of fangirls; he seems a bit weary but is tolerant) As if I don't go through this every day...

Joey: (grumps) Show-off. No need to brag.

Hao: There is always a need to brag and a need to make a big showy entrance.

Amber: There is also a need to get a move on this fict! It's going nowhere!

ShadowSpirit: Demands, demands, demands...

* * *

Amber looks around. "Okay, so who's the narrator?"

"We have a narrator?" Joey gasps, astonished. "Are we getting, like, more money or something?"

"There's always a narrator," Yami Bakura mutters, flipping through a magazine.

Amber shrugs. "Fine, I'll be the narrator. Where's that book?"

"What's a book?" Joey wonders.

"Don't worry about it. Yami-B, I can't find the book, so can I use your magazine?" Amber extends her hand.

Yami-B curls into a ball, protecting his mag. "No way! Over my dead body!"

"Your body _is_ dead."

"...Dammit." Yami-B hands her the magazine. Amber opens it. And then whips it away as if t suddenly burst into flames.

"GAHHHHH! YAMI-B, WHAT THE HELL _IS_ THIS?"

"A very good magazine. See what you get for taking it from me?"

Amber picks it up with two fingers, as if it was diseased. A centerfold falls open, revealing a scantily-clad female holding a massive flamethrower. Amber glares narrowly at Yami-B. "You...disgust me."

"Ooh..." Yami Marik pulls the mag out of Amber's hands. "Yeah, that's what _I'm_ talkin' about!"

"See, humans are a corrupt and dirty lot. Their termination will bring purity to the world!" Hao says passionately, hitting his fist into his palm.

"Get outta here, you psycho," Yami Marik growls, shoving him off the set.

Flames erupt from Hao's eyes. "You...touched...me..."

Jess grabs him roughly by the wrist and drags him away. "Oookay, let's just let the YGO people work."

"You're touching me too."

"Yeah, I am, aren't I?"

Amber watches them leave. "Well, that was weird. Okay, now where were we?"

"You were chewing Yami-B out for having dirty mags on the set," Joey reminds her, looking over Yami Marik's shoulder. "Ooh, she's a good one."

Yami Bakura frowns. "I don't see what the big deal is."

Amber stares open-mouthed at him. Jess returns to the set. The blonde shrugs. "Well, we might as well work with what we've got. Shadow's getting impatient."

Amber ignores her and gets all in Yami-B's face. "The problem? The PROBLEM! The problem is stuff like that exploits women as pieces of meat that—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, waaaait a minute!" Yami-B waves his hands, a disgusted look on his face. "You think I was in this for the GIRLS? You sick freak! I am offended that you think I'd do something like that!"

"But they're such beautiful meat..." goes Joey in the background.

Amber crosses her arms. "Let me guess. You're just reading it for the articles, right?"

"Hah! As if! I can't read!" Yami-B laughs. Someone makes a comment about that accounting for him not knowing his lines. "I'm just in it for the weapons, lady! See?" He grabs the magazine from Yami Marik and flips to a page where another woman is holding what appears to be a ballistic missile. "Come to me, my precious..."

Amber raises an eyebrow. "And you said _I_ was a freak? For that, _you_ can be the narrator."

"Okay, okay," Yami Bakura agrees and preps himself. He whips out his own special copy of the script, which is in Egyptian (Where he got one, I don't know. We don't stock 'em. Must've been eBay). "Ahem... The wise Sir Bedevere (points at Marik, who scowls) was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow. They include: Sir Lancelot the Brave (Joey grins); Sir Gallahad the Pure (points to his aibou, who smiles shyly); and Sir Robin the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill (Pegasus); and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film (Tristan)."

Tristan smiles smugly. "I've got the easy part."

"That chicken was sooo mean!" Pegasus sobs emotionally.

Yami-B clears his throat and continues, "Together, they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table."

There is a deal of sarcastic clapping throughout the set. Amber ushers everyone to their places for Scene Whatever-We're-On (which happens to be Six. Crap, we got a long way to go...).

The scene is supposed to be some hilly-type thing. Maybe. Not really sure, though. Anyways, it doesn't really matter because we don't have "hilly-type things" here. Couldn't afford 'em. Sue me. Then we won't even be able to afford paying the cast. Not like they're paid anyways, but still. Anyway, I digress. The scene is just a flat plot of land. Plain. Simple. Uneventful.

Well, not really uneventful... In fact, as we speak (or, as I write and you read), Yami and Marik are getting into a fistfight. Apparently, Yami made a smart comment about how Marik is now his loyal follower, and that pissed the Egyptian off.

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!" Joey and Tristan yell, forming a circle around the aggressors. Yes, a two-man circle. If those even exists. (Kaiba: I do believe those are called _lines_, Shadow.)

...Shut up, Kaiba.

Anywho, the fight's really funny because the two aren't throwing punches, they're bitch-slapping each other. Catfight. Mrow.

"You have insulted me one time too many, Pharaoh!" Smack...

"Ow! Well, maybe if you would stop trying to KILL ME, then I wouldn't keep defending myself!" Slap...

"Hand over the Puzzle and we'll call a truce, you goodie-goodie ass-kisser!"

"Oh, that DOES it, you motherf—"

Just then, a conveniently-timed and enormous **BOOOOM! **cuts Yami off. The cardboard clouds part, golden stage lights that somehow survived the nuke turn brilliantly on, and a holy-sounding chorus is supposed to sing.

Supposed to. Someone got the (conveniently unlabeled) CDs mixed up and Britney Spears starts playing in the background.

"Arthur! AURTHUUUUUR! King of the Britons!" A cardboard cut-out of Ra emerges from the clouds. "Stop that forbidden cursing at once! I was about to give you your holy task to complete in order to make a good example of the Knights of the Round Table. Now, because of your attitude, I'm not sure I want to!"

"_Oops, I did it again..."_

Marik stares. "Holy crap, it's Ra!"

"That's not your line," Yami murmurs smugly. He dodges another one of Marik's swings.

"Why are you guys using Ra?" Jess wonders.

"Because I'm Egyptian, and he's an Egyptian god," Yami explains.

"Ahem!" Ra booms. "Pay attention to me or I'll feed you to Ma'at! Start groveling!"

"Actually, aren't you supposed to tell me _not_ to grovel?"

"_I'm not...so...innocent..."_

"That's ridiculous. On your knees, slave!" Ra laughs.

"Is it just me, or does Ra sound a lot like Yami Bakura?" Joey wonders.

"Um...er... That's silly!" Ra says quickly.

Jess's eyes narrow. "Get out of there, Yami-B."

"I can behave myself! Really!" Yami-B/Ra protests. "See? (gets a deep official voice) King Arthur, it is your sacred duty to find the Holy Grail! Get moving! Your honor depends on it!"

Jess rolls her eyes. Yami gasps, "My honor! Must...defend...honor...!"

"God be praised!" Bakura cries passionately.

"The 'honor' thing always gets him," Marik mutters. Someone finally realizes the wrong song is playing and switches CDs. The chorus of angels comes in about two minutes too late and after Ra disappears back into the clouds.

"Soo... I guess we're looking for the Holy Grail, huh?" Joey says blandly.

"Yup." Marik agrees with as much enthusiasm. Yami is gallantly marching off somewhere, head held high. Yugi runs, panting, behind him, clopping the coconuts together vainly.

"Soo... Are we off to Camelot now?" Joey wonders.

"Actually, we were supposed to go to Camelot _before_ Ra showed up," Bakura says, studying the script. Everyone shrugs, mutters "Oh well," and follows Yami and Yugi to the next scene.

xXx

Yami-tachi come up to a pile of rubble hastily shoved together to resemble a castle. It actually looks more like a pile of crap, but we work with what we've got. Yami calls out, "Hello! HELLO!"

After a bit of struggling, Kaiba finally makes it to the balcony of the 'castle.' In a horrible French accent, he replies, "Allo! Who ees eet?"

"It is I, King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?"

"This is the castle of my master, Gustava de le Mountaines... (accent is dropped) What the hell! Someone changed my script! Who the hell's Gustava!"

"Oh, Gustaf-chan is one of Shadow's friends. Y'know, the one who claimed to have had your child?" Amber reminds.

Kaiba makes a face. "You mean _that_ crazy girl?"

"Talk nice about my best friends or I'll run your underwear up a flagpole!" Shadow yells from off-set.

"Yes ma'am," Kaiba says meekly.

"Ahem... Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail," Yami says royally.

Kaiba really doesn't want this guy in his castle. "Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see?"

Yami falls over. "WHAT?"

"He said he's already got one!" Bakura repeats helpfully.

"I heard him!" Yami says, a growl in his voice. To Kaiba, he says, "Are you _sure_ you've got one?"

Kaiba nods vigorously. "Oh, yes, it's very nice-a. (ducks down and turns to Mokuba, who is next to him) I told him we've already got one!"

Mokuba giggles.

"You're starting to go Canadian, Kaiba," Joey calls.

"Well...um...can we come up and see it?" Yami asks hopefully.

"Hell no; you are English types-a!" Kaiba yells, shaking fist.

"Canadian..." Joey murmers.

Marik turns to him. "You're Canadian?"

Joey sweatdrops. "No, his accent is."

"Well, what are you then!" Yami yells to Kaiba, ignoring his followers.

Kaiba wrinkles his nose as if offended. "I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a!"

Bakura looks confused. "What're you doing in England?"

"Mind your own business!" Kaiba snaps.

Yami draws his huge sword. "If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!"

"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!" Kaiba throws the last shred of his dignity away and blows raspberries.

Bakura makes a face. "What a strange person..."

"Now, look here—" Yami starts, warningly.

Kaiba cuts him off with his hand. "I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal-food-trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"The hell's an elderberry?" Marik wonders.

Bakura calls up, "Is there someone else we could talk to?"

"No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!" Kaiba sniffs.

"Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable," Yami growls.

Kaiba bends down to whisper to Mokuba. "Fetchez la vache!"

"Huh?" Mokuba says, thoroughly confused.

"La vache! Fetchez la vache!"

"What the heck's a vache?"

Kaiba's eyes narrow. "Just go get the cow."

"Right away, Nisama!" Mokuba scurries off.

Yami, meanwhile, is still going off. "If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall—"

TWANG! "Mooooo..."

"HOLY CRAP!" Yami screams and jumps to the side. Then he sighs. The cow-balloon floats gently down.

"Bad props get even worse..." Marik mumbles.

"AAAGH!" Pegasus screams. Pff... The inflatable cow lands on him. He makes a big scene of rolling on the ground and being crushed. "Ohhhh..."

"CHARGE!" Yami screams. "IT'S SHADOW GAME TIME!"

This time, Yugi manages to restrain his aibou. "No! No Shadow Games!"

Kaiba and Mokuba, meanwhile, are chucking all sorts of crap down at the Knights. "This one's for your mother! (Kaiba throws a lead pipe) There you go!"

KONG! Marik drops like a sac of bricks.

"And this one's for your dad!" Mokuba yells happily and throws a brick. Unfortunately, he misses horribly and hits his brother square in the back.

"Umph!" Kaiba grunts and topples off the castle. Mokuba looks on in horror.

"NIIIIIIISAMAAAAAA!"

Kaiba's fall is halted when he hits a protruding pipe and his belt loop gets hooked on it. "Uuuugh... Dammit."

"Hang on, Nisama, I'm coming!" Mokuba climbs on down and tries nobly to help his brother.

"Ow! Wait, Moku—OW! My arm! It doesn't bend that way, Mokuba!"

A few undignified moments later-

Kaiba has finally gotten his footing back. "Thanks, Mokuba," he mutters and brushes himself off.

"Whatsa matter, Monkey-boy?" Joey taunts. "Your primordial ape-skills finally fail you?"

Kaiba twitches. "What was that, you flea-bitten mutt!" He and Mokuba resume pummeling Yami-tachi with random crap. Mokuba whips out a garden hose, sets it to "Jet Stream," and blasts away at the Knights.

"GAHHH!" Yami tries to shield his head, but his hair has already become a sopping mess. "RUN AWAY!"

"RUN AWAY!" his knights agree.

"HAHAH!" Kaiba crows. "That's right, Wheeler! Run away, whimpering like a discarded puppy left in the gutter!" (A/N- what a sad thought!)

"FIEND! I'LL TEAR YOU APART!" Joey screams and charges back towards the castle. Pegasus catches the blond around the waist and slings him over his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Joey-boy, I've got you!"

"LEGGO OF ME, YOU PEDOPHILE!" Joey yells and pounds at Peggy's back, but to no avail.

Marik lays forgotten at the foot of the castle.

After they reached a safe distance, Pegasus finally lets Joey go. Joey quickly moves to Yami's side to put distance between him and Peggy.

"So..." Bakura starts. "That went well."

Marik comes stumbling up, an ice pack to his head. "Some king, game or medieval. You do realize you basically surrendered, right? Whatever happened to, I dunno, the heart of the Excalibur?"

Yami raises an eyebrow in disdain. "'Heart of the Excalibur?' Come on, not everything to me is heart-of-the-this, heart-of-the-that. Seriously."

Marik harrumphs. "Well, anyways, I do believe I have a plan to defeat Seto Kaiba and steal his Millennium Item!"

Everybody stares.

Marik sweatdrops. "Sorry. Force of habit."

"Considering he doesn't even _have_ a Millennium Item..." Joey mutters, rolling his eyes.

* * *

ShadowSpirit: Well, that went along without any major snags."

Joey: Woo! A first! High-five!

ShadowSpirit: Yee-haw! (they go to high-five each other, but miss and hit each other in the face) Ow...

Kaiba: (is observant) So, I notice the Writer's Block is looking a bit...crispy.

ShadowSpirit: Meh. Hao tried using his Mad Fire Skillz to destroy it, but it didn't really work. (brushes off a bit of the ash, revealing the undamaged Block beneath) He's really upset about it, too.

Hao: (faith in his Mad Fire Skillz is clearly shaken) How! How couldn't that have worked! Am I getting rusty! Impossible! (continues ranting)

ShadowSpirit: (uber-cute neko face) Well anyways... Please review!

Hao: (is still going off)

Yami Marik: (sly look, shoves Hao into the Plot Hole) Mwahah...

Hao: (is falling cross-legged and with arms folded) Oh, he is going to _die_...

ShadowSpirit: What was that for, Yami Marik?

Yami Marik: (grumps) Dunno, my jealously must've done it.

ShadowSpirit: Aww, silly Marik... You'll always be my favorite crazy Egyptian...(glomps him)

Yami Marik: (wide grin)

* * *

ShadowSpirit: Well, I completely ignored the Song of Camelot, but I might do a spoof on that later. Ideas and reviews are appreciated.

As a side note, I think I have carpaltunnel (sp?) or something... My bones really _really_ hurt when I type...all stabbing-like. Right now, I'm typing with one hand.


	9. Insert witty title here

ShadowSpirit: Hey everyone. Once again, thanks to all who reviewed for the reviews! I really do apologize for the length between updates...really. I just...am lacking in enthusiasm... Sorry. Don't worry, though; I'm not gonna give up on this fict! I shall continue! To the very end! And then some! Muwahahaha...

Ugh...I'm so happy school's finally out... I was seriously running on nothing these past few months. During my ACT the other day, I got halfway through then laid down and died.

As a side note... MICHAEL JACKSON IS SO FREAKIN' GUILTY!

(...Just needed to get that off my chest. Ra, that man is ugly...)

And I REALLY need a job. I'm so bored! I was so bored the other day, I watched freakin' Power Rangers! I really need something to do...

Random Person: Well then, UPDATE MORE! (throws rocks)

(Has a lump on head) At least I can now console in my newest Wolf's Rain DVD. Oh, and I redid Chapter One. It's practically the same, so you aren't missing much if you don't reread it; it just flows better now.

* * *

ShadowSpirit: So...Welcome to another day of Block-ness, Plot-Hole-ness, and utter incompetence.

Joey: What more could a person ask for?

Amber: Say, where'd Hao go?

Yami Marik: (is a bit charcoal-ish) He lit me on fire...

Shadow: I sent him back to the Shaman King studio. He's a hazard to the cast.

-Cut to Mankin studio. (Sorry for the digression, 'specially if you're not familiar with SK)-

Hao: JOIN ME OR DIE!

Horohoro: Um... Is there an option #3?

Chocolove: "Option 3"? Stuck in a tree! (Cough...bad Chocolove joke x.x)

Ren & Horohoro: (attack Chocolove for the utterly horrible joke)

Marco: The light of Justice shines brightly for the way of the Iron Maiden!

Lyserg: Our justice will smite you!

Ryu: (bawling) My poor, misguided Lyserg-chan!

Ren: Oh, get over him! (prods Ryu with toe)

Ryu: (cries harder)

Hao: (sets everything on fire) Muwahahah...

Yoh: Ack! (dodges flames) Why'd they hafta send him back! He's a hazard to the cast!

-Back at YGO studio-

Kaiba: So...who's in this next scene?

Shadow: (checks list) You, your brother, Yami, Yugi, and the Knights of the Round Table.

Marik: I hate playing Bedevere! Make someone else play Bedevere!

Shadow: Y'know what? I was just about to bring that up. I need you for the scene after this one, and thus decided to shift the parts around a bit.

Marik: (glomps) THANK YOU!

Shadow: So, Joey, _you_ are now Bedevere, and Duke is now Sir Lancelot.

Joey: Lovely.

Duke: (with great gusto) I AM BRAVE!

Tristan: (dangles a loogie in Duke's face)

Duke: O.o (runs away, shrieking like a ninny)

Shadow: Heheh... Well, hop-to, people. Your public awaits. (to Joey) Here, you'll need this.

Joey: (takes what Shadow hands to him. It's a mustache that is quite literally five feet long) Um... Isn't this a bit, I dunno, over the top?

Shadow: Nope. Bedevere's mustache _is_ very large.

Joey: But...but...(shoulders slump in defeat) Fine.

* * *

Scene is the same one as last time. Kaiba is leaning over the top of Le Castle de Crap, listening to assorted clanking, cursing, and thumping noises coming from behind a pile of rubble. There is a BAM, BAM, BAM, WHOP, followed immediately by some screaming and cursing that is hurriedly stifled by a sea of hushes and "Shh's!"

Kaiba started to climb right on down there to see what was going on.

Pity. If he had waited one more second, he wouldn't've had to expend the energy.

Creeeeeak... CRAAAAASH! WHAAAMPH!

"Uhhhhh... Ow..."

No more castle. Just a big pile of scrap metal and crumbled concrete. Kaiba's somewhere under it all. Mokuba is unconscious somewhere.

Yami pokes his head up out from the ditch he's hiding in. "Think we should see if they're okay?"

Joey, in the same ditch, shakes his head. "Naw. Unfortunately for me, Monkey-boy's probably alri—ack! Pthoo! Freakin' mustache! Keeps gettin' in my mouth..."

"_I_ didn't have that problem," Marik remarks smugly.

Joey glares offstage, where Marik is sipping lemonade. "That's 'cause Shadow didn't make you wear the damn thing! It's not—pthoo—fair!"

Marik shrugs, grinning. "That's right!"

Shadow uses her Supreme Authoress Powers to pop up out of nowhere. "The mustache clashed with Marik's hair. I couldn't stand seeing it on him. You, on the other hand..."

"WE HAVE THE SAME HAIR COLOR!" Joey raves. His mustache flops everywhere.

"Oh, I don't care about _your_ hair," Shadow says, waving a hand disdainfully. "Marik's is much prettier. You've got a shaggy mullet."

Joey can't believe this. "But... But when Marik gets all schizophrenic-multi-personality-like, his hair looks like Vegeta's hair on viagra!"

Yami Marik scowls. "I take offense to that."

Marik glares. "I don't even see how that could work!"

"Well, you could just...rub it on your scalp or something..." Amber says with a shrug.

Shadow frowns. "Amber, I think viagra comes in a pill."

"Feh, like I'd know! It's not like _I_ hafta worry about—Why are we even talking about this?"

"Joey started it."

Joey smacks his forehead in exasperation. "Guys, it was a metaphor!"

"Actually, it was a simile. "Shadow folds her arms. "But anyway, this is pointless. The mustache stays. And someone _please_ go make sure Kaiba's still breathing."

Amber, Bakura, and Yami-B go to help. Yes, Yami-B goes along. Well, he tries. Yami stops him. "Where do you think you're going, thief?"

Yami Bakura puts on a shocked expression. "Why, to help Kaiba, of course! Can't I do something good once in my life?"

"I highly doubt that. What's in your hand?"

Yami-B extends his hand and opens his closed fist. In it are several Band-Aids. Thoroughly puzzled (no pun intended), Yami gives Yami-B a queer look but lets him pass. Meanwhile, Amber and Bakura have located Kaiba's arm.

"Look! It's an arm!" Bakura exclaims, pointing.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Yami-B mutters, rolling his eyes.

"Hopefully, Kaiba's still attached to the other end," Amber says dryly.

"Just give it a pull." Yami-B grabs Kaiba's wrist and yanks not so gently.

"OWW!" goes Kaiba.

"Found him!" Yami Bakura exclaims happily. They dig the CEO out and prop him up. "How're ya doing, ol' buddy ol' pal?" Yami-B says mockingly and slaps him on the back.

"OW! Damn you, freakin' albino!" Kaiba answers. He's banged up and quite dusty, but otherwise okay.

"Gee, you look like crap, Kaiba," Amber says helpfully. "You've got all these little cuts all over you."

"I think I've noticed, thanks," he grumps.

"Here you go. Have some Band-Aids," Yami-B offers. Kaiba takes them and slaps them on.

"AAAUGH! HOLY FREAKING SHIT, AAAUGH!" Kaiba screams, frantically ripping the Band-Aids off his face. He presses his hands to his face for a few seconds, then looks up at Yami-B, eyes murderous. "What...the HELL...did you DO!"

"I don't know what on earth you're talking about, you spaz," Yami-B says innocently.

Kaiba shoves a Band-Aid in the tomb robber's face. "It feels like you put effing SALT on these!"

Yami Bakura pretends to think for a moment. "Oh yeaaaah... Now that you mention it, I think I did. So sorry about—"

He never finished his sentence. Kaiba jumped him before he got the chance. High-pitched and undignified squeals permeate the set as Kaiba beats the living tar out of the thief...

—One hour, three ice packs, 56 (unsalted) Band-Aids, 6 feet of Ace bandage wraps and a bucket of ice water (all for Kaiba) later—

"I think you need to do something about that temper of yours, Kaiba," Amber lectures. "You definitely overdid it this time."

Jess walks in, eating ramen. She looks around at the destroyed scenery and at a bandaged-up Kaiba. "What the hell happened here?"

"A building fell on me," Kaiba says, nonchalantly. "Then I got in a fight with Yami Bakura."

"Who won?" Jess mumbles through a slurp of ramen.

"See for yourself," Amber says dryly, motioning off to one side. Yami-B, apparently comatose, is in a hospital bed with an IV and iron lung on.

Jess gags and falls to her knees, hand over her mouth. Tears form in her eyes and she makes a sort of choking sound. Amber turns to Kaiba, quite disturbed. "Is she...crying!"

"Um...I think she's laughing..." Kaiba replies.

Indeed, Jess is laughing so hard noodles are coming out her nose.

Amber makes a face. "That's...disgusting..."

Eventually, Jess gets a hold of herself and climbs up off the ground. She is absolutely glowing through the noodles dangling from her nose. "Woo... That was great! I've gotta go find some Kleenex or something..." Jess starts to walk off. She looks at Yami-B once more and starts laughing all over again.

"Well...that made her day," Kaiba remarks. "I've never seen her so happy."

"Yeah...Well, better get back to the scene. This is taking forever!" Amber exclaims.

Five minutes later, everyone is where they're supposed to be. There's no castle anymore, so we'll improvise and use what's left of a chain-link fence as one.

"You want me to STAND on that!" Kaiba cries in disbelief.

"C'mon, just do it! You can handle it!" Amber coaxes. Kaiba grumbles and refuses to budge. Amber's eyes narrow. "GET on the FENCE, Kaiba!"

Far from appeased, Kaiba does just that. Mokuba has since woken up and now joins his nii-sama.

Joey, Duke, and Bakura roll a large and poorly-assembled wooden rabbit up to the fence, then they scatter and to return to Yami. Kaiba rolls his eyes, and he and Mokuba haul the rabbit over the chain-link fence.

Back in their ditch, Yami's lieges giggle over their success. Yami himself is skeptical.

"I still don't see how this will work, brave knights," Yami claims. "What happens next?"

Joey excitedly explains it. "Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Gallahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!"

Yami starts to nod, but halts. "Ah—Wait... Who leaps out?"

Joey stutters. "U-u-uh, Lancelot, Gallahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...um..."

Yami's head plops into his hands. "You...are a moron."

"Uh, well, see, if we built this large wooden badger..." Joey tries.

TWANG!

A shadow falls over the group. The wooden rabbit hurls towards them.

"AAAAH!" Yami screams. "RUN AWAY!"

"RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" his knights agree. They scatter.

SMASH! Goes the rabbit.

Kaiba and Mokuba laugh uproariously and high-five each other. Except, Kaiba puts a bit too much force in his hand and sends Mokuba reeling off the fence.

"Aaaah! Nisamaaa!"

Thump...

"Mokuba!" Kaiba instinctively reaches out, and in doing so, loses his balance as well. He flails his arms, overcorrects, and falls down. Straight onto the thick, pointy wire.

"GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH...ahhhh...ah...ehhhhh...nnng..."

Everyone winces. Amber grimaces. "He'll never be able to have kids..."

* * *

ShadowSpirit: (is sitting on usual perch, the W.B.) So... What shall we try next?

Yami Marik: (comes in, carrying a box full of whip cream and some cherries) I've got an idea.

Shadow: (stares at the whip cream) I think I'm afraid of knowing what you plan to do with that...

Yami Marik: Yeah, it's gonna get a bit messy. (plops box down on W.B. next to Shadow and starts to shake up a can) Perfect!

Shadow: (fidgets and scoots away) Um... What the heck are you doing?

Yami Marik: (suggestively) Oh, you'll see. (maniacal smile)

Shadow: O.o

Yami Marik: (notices the look) What's that look supposed to...Ohhh I get it! You think I was... Heheh, my, have _you_ got a dirty little mind.

Shadow: (looks away) ...Shutup.

Yami Marik: (laughs) Anyway, I figured that if we covered the Block with this stuff, Joey will eat it. Problem solved.

Shadow: Ohhh... Good idea!

Amber: But, if a nuke didn't work, then do you really think this will?

Tristan: Obviously you've never seen Joey at lunchtime.

Yami Marik: (leans closer to Shadow) And it there's any whip cream left over...(whisper, whisper, whisper)

Shadow: O.O (belts him over the head with her mellophone) Bastard...

Jess: (wanders in a few minutes later to find Shadow and a few cast members covering the Block with whip cream) I'd ask just what the hell is going on, but I don't want to know. By the way, anyone see my Dragon magazine?

Yami Marik: (wavers to his feet, a large bump on his head) Hm, not sure, but I did sacrifice a magazine a bit ago...

Jess: Did it have a dragon on the cover?

Yami Marik: Yeah...I think so. Offered it right over there. (points to the altar and the ashes on top of it)

Jess: (twitches) You _BURNED_ my magazine!

Yami Marik: No silly, I _sacrificed_ it.

Jess: (in a low, dangerous tone) Better hope you can run fast, freak.

Kaiba: Ooh, this is gonna be good...

Jess: I KILL YOU! (attacks)

Yami Marik: (leaping and running around set) You need a grammar lesson, girl!

Jess: You need to not burn my things! (throws a brick)

Yami Marik: (dodges brick) I didn't! I sacrificed it!

Jess: It's the same bloody thing!

Yami Marik: Is not!

Kaiba: (picks up brick) Cool. (chucks it at Joey)

Joey: Hey, a penny! (bends over, brick flies a foot over his head to smash into the wall)

Kaiba: (anime fall)

Jess: BURNED!

Yami Marik: SACRIFICED!

Jess: BURN-ED

Yami Marik: SAC-RI-FICED!

Jess: B.U.R.N.E.D!

Yami Marik: S.A.C.R.I.F.I.C.E.D!

Jess: And how _does_ one sacrifice something?

Yami Marik: You set it on the altar and light it on fire.

Jess: Aha! You DID burn it!

Yami Marik: I didn't!

Jess: Then what do you call the "lighting it on fire" part!

Yami Marik: Hm...(ponders) Incineration.

Jess: (rolls eyes) So you _incinerated_ my magazine?

Yami Marik: Yes. I did.

Jess: I KILL YOU!

Shadow: (thinking to self) Pay no attention... Pay no attention to the freaks... (continues to cover W.B with whip cream)

* * *

So, last week I went to Montreal and Quebec with my French class. It was really fun (Flaming Eskimo!), though there was waaaay to much bus ride, walking, and chicken.

One of the coolest parts was that I got Shaman King manga in French! They are much further ahead in Canada than in the US. I got volumes 24 and 25. It's cool because I'm learning French while having fun!


	10. Whoop the Thief's Rear Day and a CONTEST

Soo... Who wants to hear my excuse for not updating in, like, forever? Well, it all began one day when—(is bricked) x.x Ow... No, I really have a legit reason this time! See, wouldn't let me log in! (Neither would DA or SKU, fyi.) So I've been like, What the crap? all summer long! The problem had sumpin to do with cookies... Took me forever to figure out what was going wrong and how to fix it. Shadowchan is not compy-savvy. But you all know that by now...

* * *

ShadowSpirit: Hello all! Thank you for the marvelous reviews! And nobody went over 100! Yay! Stay tuned for an important announcement at the end of the chapter!

Kaiba: (snippy) You make it sound like TV or something. They can't change the channel, you know.

Shadow: Er... Shut up, Kaiba. In other news, I am the proud owner of a DeviantArt account! I...haven't uploaded any pictures...kinda need a scanner for that (sweatdrop)...but...yeah.

Kaiba: Horrible planning, Shadow.

Shadow: (turns to him) Y'know, I'm sensing some hostility here. Are you still angry about the whip cream incident?

Kaiba: (glowers darkly)

-Flashback-

Shadow: Okay! The W.B. is now covered in whip cream! Someone go get Joey before it all melts.

Kaiba: Uh, Shadow? Where's my briefcase?

Shadow: Briefcase?

Kaiba: (rolls eyes) Square, silver, metal, holds extremely important docu—

Shadow: Hey, I know _what_ it is! What makes you think I did anything with it?

Kaiba: Well, I left it sitting on the Block, so I assumed _you_ put it somewhere to keep it clean. Y'know, like I _asked_ you to?

Shadow: Er...um...uh...(fidgets)

Joey: (comes flying into the set) Whoa! That's the biggest ice cream sundae I've ever seen! (attacks it as though rabid) Thanks, Shadow!

Kaiba: (poisonously sweet) Is there something you want to tell me, Shadow-_chan_?

Shadow: Um...no, not really (sweatdrop).

CRNK!

Joey: OW! Holy monkey, I think I just broke a tooth! What the hell's in this, bricks?

Marik: Mm, tasty.

Yami: Are bricks good to eat?

Yugi: (smacks forehead)

Marik: (rolls eyes) Yeah, but only with a lot of salt.

Joey: (reaches into the mountain of whip cream, gropes a bit, and pulls out...) A briefcase!

Kaiba: (classic "WTF!" expression) What th—Gimme that! (rips it from Joey's hands and flips it open. Everything inside is, put simply, completely destroyed.) Sha..._dooooow_...(openly growling and a vein bulging in his neck)

Shadow: (classic "Oh shit" expression) Oh shit...

-End Flashback-

Shadow: (weakly) So...howabout we get a-goin' now, huh? Before you guys get to witness my murder.

Yami: Sounds good to me (dashes off).

Kaiba: Oh, I won't kill you. I'm still tired from killing Yami Bakura.

Bakura: He's not dead...

Kaiba: (reclines and closes eyes pleasantly) If he wakes up, he will be.

Shadow: Dammit, I need him for this scene! This is gonna take forever!

Amber: Just make the chapter extra long. You owe it to the readers for waiting so long.

Shadow: Damn my procrasti—er, I mean, _cookie_ _issues_.

Amber: (rolls eyes)

Shadow: (SWEATDROP) Soo... How shall we pass the time?

Marik: Well, for one, you can stop typing in an illegal format----

"Have I mentioned that I hate not-script? I hate not-script. Did you know we aren't allowed to reply to reviews anymore?"

"No," Kaiba say, bored.

"Well, we aren't and that sucks."

Kaiba nods, not really paying attention. "Does it now..."

"And I got cable. I am soooo happy! Say, where are Jess and Yami Marik?"

Joey ambles over and points to the left. "They're somewhere over there, having an ass-beating contest."

Amber frowns. "We should stop them before she kills him."

"I don't think we'll be able to do that," Kaiba says. "Jess is near impossible to repress once she starts seeing red."

Amber sighs deeply. "Well, we need Yami Marik in this scene. She'd better at least leave us some scraps to work with. When do y'all think they'll be back?"

"Well, Yami Marik has longer legs and a head start," Kaiba says, "so we could be here for _forever_."

—Forever—

"'Kay guys, I'm back!" Jess says happily. She is dragging a rather mangled Yami Marik by his rather mangled Rare Hunter cloak.

"Hey, if it was forever, we'd all be dead now!" Joey claims, jumping to his feet.

Bakura glances at his wristwatch. "Actually, it's only been 10 minutes." (Shadow: (sweatdrop))

Amber prods Yami Marik with her toe. "Think he'll wake up soon? We got a scene to do! Jess, did you _have_ to beat him unconscious?"

"Yup," says the blonde proudly.

"Anyone got some smelling salts on them?" Bakura asks.

Yugi tilts his head. "No, but I've got one of Joey's old gym socks. That might smell strong enough."

Everybody makes a disgusted face.

Jess turns to Yugi. "How and _why_ the hell do you have one of Joey's socks?"

Yugi shrugs. "Well, I lent him my gym bad and he left it in there by accident when he returned it. I've been too afraid to pull it out."

"I think I should be insulted," Joey says easily. "But I'm not. In fact, I don't blame you at all. That sock almost knocked me flat; it'd probably kill a short guy like you."

Ed Elric: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BUG SO MINISCULE THAT HE ESCAPES THE WRATH OF A SHOE BECAUSE HE CAN FIT BETWEEN THE TREADS?

Everybody: (double-takes)

Shadow: ...Um, wrong show, Ed.

Ed: ...Oh. Oops.

(Shadow: (hugs both FMA fans and those who actually understood))

Yami: Cool! Yami Bakura's gone into cardiac arrest!

After that brief digression from the plot and the entire YGO series (which earned the Authoress several hate-rocks), everybody voted that Joey should have to retrieve the Sock of DOOM for Yami Marik. (Oh, and Yami-B _was_ tended to, much to Yami's disappointment.)

"Why do I gotta do it?" Joey whines, reaching into Yugi's gym bang with a pair of tongs.

"It's your own damn sock Joey," Jess grumps. She goes back to reading her new DRAGON magazine, bought with Yami Marik's money. (Later, after Yami Marik gains consciousness, he will discover that she stole his wallet.)

Joey grumbles and pulls out the sock. It knocks everyone within 10 feet flat on the ground. Well, everyone except Joey, because he's immune, and Yami Marik, because he's already out. The Authoress conjures up some gas masks with her Mad Authoress Skillz.

Kaiba gags and covers his nose with one of the masks. "Shit, that reeks enough to wake the dead and kill 'em all over again."

Joey whips Yami Marik in the face with the Sock of DOOM for a few minutes. Not getting any response, he stuffs the sock in the Egyptian's mouth.

Enter instant and violent gagging on the part of everyone _except_ Yami Marik.

Tristan's face contorts in revulsion. "How could NOT wake up?"

Yugi prods Yami Marik with a stick. "Joey, I think you KILLED him!"

Joey frowns. "You're complaining?" He takes Yugi's stick and pokes the unconscious teen in the eye.

Lo and Behold! Yami Marik cracks his other eye open at Joey. He tries to curse or something. Then he realizes he can't talk.

I don't think even the greatest of writers nor the most elite of artists could embody Yami Marik's expression.

Vocally, however, it went something like this:

"GGYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH! OH! OH! OH! AGH! HOLY FREAKIN' SHIT! AAAGH! WHEEL-EEEEEEEER!"

And then it spirals into a massive onslaught of swearing that the Authoress does not wish to type.

—One hour, a toothbrush, 4 tubes of toothpaste, 2 bottles of Listerine, and one Joey-ass-whooping later—

"I will never, ever forgive you," Yami Marik says calmly. "One night, one dark and stormy night, I'll be there and I will rip your ass off and feed it to you, Joseph Wheeler. And then—"

"Lemme guess," Joey interrupts. He is wrapped in duct tape like a mummy (save for his face) and has been strung upside from the ceiling. "And after that, you'll send me to the Shadow Realm for all eternity, right?"

Yami Marik slaps some more duct tape over the blond's mouth. "No, _after_ that, I'll lock you up in a room with Tea for, oh, a year, where once a day you will be slipped some low-cal, non-fat meal from a slit in the door."

Joey thrashes, terrified. "MPHHH! MPH! MPH! MMMMPHHH!"

Yami Marik reclines and crosses his legs. "_Then_ I'll send you to the Shadow Realm for all eternity."

The Authoress pops up. "I'm gonna send EVERYONE to the Shadow Realm if this scene doesn't start soon!"

"What about Yami-B?" Amber asks.

"Go stuff that sock in his mouth and see what he does."

Amber looks at Yami-B. "Um...he's comatose. I don't think that'll work."

Marik grabs Bakura by the scruff of his neck. "We'll just use his hikari then."

"Works for me." Yami Marik grins wickedly at the poor boy. "We'll have fun with you."

Bakura whimpers and shoots his yami a death glare. Or as good a death glare as someone as gentle as Bakura can muster.

Scene is the same little forest thing from the Black-Knight-Green-Knight scene, minus the depressing river.

(Amber: Wait, wasn't that was destroyed by the nuke?

Shadow: Um... We, um...rebuilt it. Yeah. ...Shut up, Amber)

ANyways, Pegasus comes trotting down the path, accompanied by his loyal worshipper, Duke. Duke is singing (if you wanna call it that) praises about his idol.

"Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken." (Peggy is beginning to wince here) "To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! His head smashed in and his heart cut out, and his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off, and his pen—"

Pegasus interrupts loudly. "I think that's enough. That's—"

"STOP, STOP MAKE IT STOP!" Yami Bakura screams.

Pegasus stares. "...That's, uh—"

"STOP I CAN'T TAKE IT STOP STOP!"

"...That's, um..."

"AAAAAAAGH!"

"...Enough music for now?" Pegasus finishes. Yelling insanely must've sapped the rest of Yami-B's strength, as he has fallen back into a coma.

Everybody shrugs.

Pegasus nods, more sure of himself. "That's enough music for now."

"Really?" Kaiba pipes up. "I rather liked Duke's song. Is there a verse two?"

"I'm working on it right now!" Duke exclaims happily. "I've already gotten down the part where he's disemboweled, beheaded, and torn to shreds by a hippogriff!"

Kaiba nods contentedly. "Be sure to put in the part where the CEO of a multibillion-dollar corporation has his pet dragon beat Pegas—I mean, _Sir Roland's _ass."

"I can't think of anything that rhymes with 'corporation.'"

"Well, nothing else rhymed, so why should that?" Kaiba questions.

"Well, I thought that mebbe in verse two it'd be nice to be a bit more poetic," Duke claims proudly.

Jess rolls her eyes. "Ah, nothing says poetry like a good ass-beating."

"Mutilation rhymes with corporation," Kaiba comes up with. "So does constipation, expiration, and termination."

"He can't be constipated; his bowels were unplugged."

"My point is, any kind of "ation" will work."

"'Kay, thanks!"

Pegasus claps a hand to his forehead and signs deeply. "Duke, you have a very bizarre way of showing loyalty."

Yami Bakura sits bolt upright in his bed. "ANARCHO-SYNDICALISM IS A WAY OF PRESERVING FREEDOM!" he exclaims. He flops back down and blinks.

Kaiba gives him a look. "Where'd _that_ come from?"

Marik shrugs and makes a mud pie, which he lobs at Joey. It goes _SPLAT!_ in his face. Joey wriggles angrily.

Amber walks over to the thief. "Well, since he's awake now, we can get him in costume. Up an' at 'em, Sunshine."

Yami Bakura growls. Yami strides over and pats him on the head. "Aw, look, he's purring!"

Yami-B tries to bite the Pharaoh. Yami dodges easily and smacks him upside the head.

"Why does everyone keep abusing me!" Yami-B yells angrily.

Amber drags him out of bed. "Well, I haven't done anything yet, but I'll beat you too if you don't get in costume like, _now_."

Yami-B grumbles bitterly and half-walks half-staggers to go get his costume.

Bakura smiles happily. "Yay, I'm off the hook!"

-15 minutes later-

"'Bout time you two showed up," Yami Marik grumps to Yami-B and Marik. "I though I was going to have to play all three heads at once." Yami-B and Marik duck under the tent-like shirt and take their places, Yami Marik in the middle.

"You've got enough multiple personalities to pull it off," Yami-B mutters under his breath. Marik reaches over and smacks him; Yami Marik doesn't have the use of either armhole, so he settles for a sucker punch. "Oouf! Hey!"

Pegasus comes frolicking up with Duke clopping behind enthusiastically. Yami-B and both Mariks, dressed like a three-headed giant, step in front of them. "HALT! Who art thou?" They yell.

Duke steps forward and belts out some lyrics, "He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who—"

Pegasus hisses to him frantically. "Shut up! Um, I'm n-- n-- n-- nobody really, I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just um, just passing through."

All three guys growl, "What do you want?"

Duke opens his mouth again and sings, "To fight and—"

"Shut up!" Pegasus claps a hand over Duke's mouth. Pegasus seems very frightened. "Um, ooh, a-- nothing, nothing really. I, uh, j-- j-- just-- just to um, just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight."

Yami Bakura huffs. "I'm afraid not!"

"Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Round Table," Pegsy says hopefully. He trembles slightly.

"You're a Knight of the Round Table?" All three heads ask.

"I am."

"In that case I shall have to kill you," Yami Bakura states matter-of-factly. Pegasus looks like he's about to wet himself.

Yami Marik grins wickedly. "Shall I?"

Marik tips his head, thinking. "Oh, I don't think so. Is he really worth the effort?"

"Well, what do I think?" Yami Marik asks the other two.

"I think kill him," Yami-b says again.

"Oh, let's be nice to him," Marik says.

Yami-B turns to Yami Marik. "Slap him for me, will ya?"

Yami Marik scowls. "How? You and Marik are the only ones who've got arms."

"Yes, that's true," Yami-B says with a wide smile. "Poor baby..."

Yami Marik glares at the white-haired thief. There is a ripple of fabric and...

"UHGH!" Yami-B crumples as Yami Marik knees him in the groin.

Pegasus holds up his hand with a suggestion. "Perhaps I could—"

Marik points at Pegasus. "And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!"

Yami-B seems to be recovering a bit. "Oh, cut your own head off!" he growls, in pain.

Yami Marik sneers at Yami-B, then turns back to Marik. "Yes, do us all a favor!"

Marik blinks. "What?"

Yami-B rolls his eyes. "Yapping on all the time, shee-it."

Yami Marik turns to the albino. "You're lucky. You're not next to him."

"What do you mean?" Marik asks nastily.

"You snore!" says his counterpart.

Marik scoffs. "Oh, I do _not_! Anyway, you've got bad breath!"

"Well it's only because you don't brush my teeth."

Yami-B kicks a tree stump impatiently. "Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea."

Yami Marik gives him a look. "_Tea_? What are you, a pansy?"

"It's not my fault. This host body—"

"I wanna kill the knight, Ra-dammit!" Yami Marik burst out. "I don't give a crap about your pansy host."

From off set, Bakura bites his lip and tosses his cup of tea into a pile of props.

"Dammit, I want tea!"

"Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits," Marik says, rolling his eyes.

Yami Marik folds his arms from under the large costume and sighs. "_Fine_."

Yami-B pouts grumpily. "Oh, not _biscuits_."

"You rather have crumpets, pansy?" Yami Marik jeers. The tomb robber growls and smacks him. Yami Marik hits him back. They start fighting.

"Hey, y—You guys! Stop it!" Marik yells. The two brawling Egyptians fall to the ground. Ensnared in the giant outfit, Marik is pulled down as well. "Gah! Stop! Ge'offa me!"

Bakura turns to Yami, who has his head in his hands as a gesture of exasperation. "Am I really a pansy?"

Eventually, the three sort themselves out and stagger back to their feet, everyone bearing black eyes and bloody noses. Yami-B seems to have gone into some sort of relapse from his previous fight with Kaiba, and looks close to blacking out.

Marik brushes the dust out of his hair with his one arm. "All right. All right, not biscuits, and not crumpets, but let's kill him anyway."

Yami Marik nods and turns to Yami-B. "Right! Draw your sword, willya, thief?"

Yami Bakura starts to draw the sword but stops and looks at the path in front of them, now devoid of Pegasus and Duke. "Dammit! He left!"

"He buggered off!" Marik snarls. "Bastard!"

"What a wuss," Yami Marik grumps. He ducks out of the costume and is quickly followed by the other two teens.

Meanwhile...

Duke is singing. "Brave Sir Robin ran away!"

"No!" Pegasus denies hotly.

"Bravely ran away, away!"

"I didn't!"

"When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled!"

"No!"

"Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about!" Duke slings his arm over Pegasus' shoulder.

"I didn't!" Pegasus persists.

"And gallantly he chickened out, bravely taking to his feet! He beat a very brave retreat!"

"All lies!"

* * *

Yami Bakura: (is icing his arm in a bucket of...well, ice) See? Everyone is beating me today! What is it, "Whoop the Thief's Ass" day?

Yami Marik: (pulls out pocket planner) Actually, it is. See, I penciled it in here (he leans over to show Yami-B)

Yami-B: (growls and shoves him away)

Amber: Say, Shadowchan, didn't you plan something for this chapter?

Shadow: Well, I wrote it...

Amber: (gives "The Look") You know what I mean.

Shadow Ohhh yeahhh... To celebrate 100 reviews, right? Well, here is my contest-that's-really-not-a-contest: Reviewers number 100-110 can choose their favorite scene aaaaaand...I'LL DRAW IT FOR THEM! Details at the end of the chappie, okay?

Kaiba: Okay. Well then, let's end right—

* * *

Okay! Reviewers number 100-110! You can choose a scene I've already done, or you can save your request for a later scene and I'll give you an IOU. Please give me your favorite 2 scenes, in case I'm having an impossible time with one. And yes, I _will_ draw Bish-O-Man, but only if you ask very, very...a lot (is smacked for bad grammar).

Only signed reviews for this chapter (chappie 10, I believe) will be eligible! Any others will not be counted, and I'll just take the first 11 reviews that meet requirements!

Oh...one thing I should mention... I need to find access to either a scanner or a digital camera before I can get you the picts. Don't worry, I won't fail anybody!

(Oh and to any nazis who are gonna complain about how I replied to reviews in chapters I submitted before the no-reply-to-reviews rule was up... Gimme a minute! I'm redoing chapters anyways, so I'll take 'em out then! Promise!)


	11. I'm not dead yet!

ShadowSpirit: Um...Yeaaaah...--runs away and hides--

* * *

ShadowSpirit: (looks around the set, flabbergasted)...What the heck happened while I was gone?

Yami Bakura: (looks like a madman – or more so than usual) YOU LEFT US! YOU LEFT US TO STARVE, LOCKED IN THE SET FOR SEVEN FREAKIN' MONTHS! HEATHEN! HEATHEEEEEEN!

Shadow: O.o ...Sorry? ...I brought ramen...(holds up bag of ramen)

Yami-B: (attacks bag of ramen, and is quickly joined by the rest of the cast)

Shadow: (aside) Y'know...usually one puts water it in before eating...

Amber: Shadow, you are a neglectful parent!

Shadow: T-T I thought there was food in the staff room!

Kaiba: (looks up from ramen) There was. Joey and Tristan ate all of it the first day.

Shadow: ...Oh. Guess I failed to consid—AAAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAH! AAH! AAH!

Marik: (doesn't even look up) Hey, she noticed.

(Shadow runs up to the Writer's Block, which has sprouted vines and has been joined by two other Writer's Blocks.)

Shadow: It...it...it...it _SPAWNED_?

Kaiba: Yeah. Did that like a while ago.

Shadow: (is ignoring him) Can concrete _spawn_! ...And what are those reddish things attached to the vines of the mother?

Kaiba: Oh, those are DUH Bricks. Quite useful, really. They're for throwing.

Shadow: (momentarily stops freaking out) That is so cool!

Yami Marik: So why don't we start now? The _readers_ are gonna be throwing bricks if you don't get a move on.

Kaiba: (motions to a large pile of rocks and bricks off to one side) Actually, they have been for a while now.

Shadow: Y'know what? I'm not really sure how to start because I forgot where we left off.

Yami-B: (grumpily) Well, I was in pain if that helps...

Shadow: (snaps) Ohhh, I remember where we are! Okay, for this scene we need Bakura, Pegasus, and every single female from YGO. ... I think they total about...four.

Bakura: (grumbling) This sucks. Why do I have to be Galahad? Why not have, say, Yami Marik? He'd like it!

Yami Marik: Yes. I would.

Shadow: (throws him a look) _Because_ he'd like it. Anyway, you're here for fanservice. Okay, so we need Mai, Tea, Serenity, Isis...um...and... Hey, who's that one chick in the first season of YGO? Her nickname was Ribbon or somethin'...Miho? Was it Miho?

Tristan: Yeah, Miho. I should know; I dated her.

Jess: Poor girl.

Shadow: Well, she's in this now. (Uses Mad Authoress Skillz to bring Miho to the set)

Miho: ...Where am I? (A/N: I know absolutely NOTHING about Miho.)

Jess: (thrusts a script book into her hands.) In hell.

Shadow: Oh, that reminds me, watch out for the Plot Hole.

* * *

Scene is a cute little forest of paper trees. Joey is up on a platform with a hose set to "Shower." The way he's holding over Bakura makes it look like Bakura has his own personal rain cloud (fans of Bakura-angst (of which I am not) coo happily). Cute lil' Bakura is dressed in his armor, "struggling" through the soggy woods. Tristan is following Bakura around with a fan, tossing leaves into the airflow and making _whoooosh_ and _krx krx_ noises. Kaiba and (for some bizarre reason) Marik are playing chess when really they are supposed to be working the lighting.

"This is more depressing than usual," Bakura says heavily, brushing green paper pulp off his chain mail.

"Bastard system, isn't it?" Kaiba agrees. He moves his rook. "Check."

Bakura stops his wallowing through the trees. "Say, where exactly is this castle? Did we even build it yet?"

Everyone looks at the Authoress. She holds her hands up defensively. "Don't look at me, I gave a memo to Joey and Tristan to get it done. You had seven months."

Joey and Tristan look bewildered. "No you didn't," Joey says. "You gave us a blank piece of blue card stock. What is it with you and card stock anyways? You use that stuff up like a mad fiend."

"It's the only thing that survives around me," she retorts. "I swear I gave you guys instructions. Do you still have the memo?"

Joey motions to his wallet, which is laying on the W.B. The Authoress takes a blue paper out.

"YOU MORON it's written on the BACK!"

"...Oh."

"Jess, pass me two of them bricks, please."

Jess tosses over two DUH Bricks. "Gladly."

KLONK! KLONK!

Tristan flops into the dust. Joey flies sideways and hits the hose on the scaffolding. The lever is jarred from "Shower" to "Jetstream."

"AHHH my eye!" Bakura howls, trying to shield himself from the vicious spray.

(A/N- If you've never been hit in the eye with a hose set to "Jetstream," you are a very lucky person.)

Amber claps. "Ooh, good sound effects! Hey, we need lightning! Where's our lightning? Marik? Kaiba? Yoo-hoo, the lightning?"

Marik and Kaiba look up from the chessboard. Kaiba shrugs. "Couldn't be bothered."

"Shouldn't you be more worried about the fact Sir Galahad has to go to a castle that we haven't built yet?" Marik asks.

"Check, Marik."

"...Bastard."

Amber and the Authoress both shrug. "Let's use the staff lounge. It's big enough."

Amber quickly scribbles a picture of the Holy Grail on a piece of paper and tapes it above the door.

Bakura shrugs, and angles himself toward the staff room. Joey finally gets the hose under control. All the YGO girls are ushered into the room. Yami Marik cocks an eyebrow at Bakura. "You're supposed to be injured. Act more injured. You should be crawling or something."

Bakura tilts his head. "I don't really fancy—HEY!"

He dodges as Yami Marik tries to hit him with the Millennium Rod and runs to the staff room door. He knocks franticly. "Open the door! Open the door!" Yami Marik shakes his head, makes a _pish!_ noise and ambles off.

Kaiba looks over. "This has reached a new low."

As Kaiba's head is turned, Marik reaches over and moves around some of the chess pieces.

Meanwhile, Bakura goes on. "In the name of King Arthur, open the door!"

With a whoosh and a dramatic flare – or what would be a dramatic flare if the knob had not caught on Mai's dress – the door swings open.

Mai, dragged by the door, flies out and splats on the floor.

Bakura looks at her. "Are you okay?"

"Well, my dignity is hurt..." Mai complains. She holds up her arm; the sleeve of her costume is completely torn off. "I'd feel worse about ripping the dress Shadowchan lent me...if it wasn't so butt-ugly."

(...Thanks Mai.)

Mai is wearing a cheap princess Halloween costume and a cheesy paper hat. (Joey made the hat with the comic section of the newspaper and no one bothered to paint it white.)

"Well, moving on... Welcome gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Anthrax!" Mai gushes enthusiastically.

Bakura frowns. "The Castle _Anthrax_?"

In the background, there is a scuffle and a shout as Kaiba's fist meets Marik's face.

Mai and Bakura exchange glances and shrug. Mai continues, "Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!"

Bakura looks up at her. "You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?"

"The what?"

"The Grail. It is here!" Bakura insists.

Mai sweatdrops and tugs his arm. "Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!"

Miho and Tea come up, dressed similarly to Mai.

"Why do _I_ have to be Crapper?" Tea complains loudly, adjusting her hat.

"Let's hazard a guess, shall we?" Kaiba mutters. Marik meanwhile, is scowling darkly and holding an ice pack to his eye.

"Midget and Crapper, please prepare a bed for our guest," Mai says sweetly.

"Thank you!" Miho pipes.

Mai makes shooing motions. "Away, away varletesses." She then turns to Bakura and says, in a falsely high, airy tone, "The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big."

"Well, look, I-- I-- uh—" Bakura stammers. He looks around shrewdly.

Mai folds her hands pleasingly. "What is your name, handsome knight?"

"Sir Galahad..." Bakura says, then quickly adds, "The Chaste."

"Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot. Which means something like "Dammit" in French if you spell it 'Zut.' The authoress says it a lot. Ahem...Come, come." She leads him away.

Bakura pulls his arm away. "Look, please! In Ra's name, show me the Grail!"

Mai fidgets and puts her hand on Bakura's forehead, as if feeling for a fever. "Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious!"

"No, look. I have seen it! It is here, on the do—I mean, in the castle!"

Mai puts her hands on her hips and feigns being offended. "Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality."

Bakura fidgets uncomfortably. "Well, I-- I—uh..."

Mai sighs dejectedly. "Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights."

Bakura blushes uncomfortably.

"Why was I not Galahad?" Yami Marik grumbles. "I coulda 'livened up the scene' a little, if ya know what I mean." He elbows his aibou and winks. Marik stares at him blandly.

Mai glares at him and mouths silently, _You stole my pants_. She turns back to Bakura. "Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here." She throws him on a couch. "Oh, but you are wounded!"

"I am?"

"Yes!" Mai grabs a can of paint from the closet and dumps it on Bakura's chest. He yelps in surprise as Mai says, "Severely injured! Look at all that blood!"

(Authoress: GAH! MY COUCH!)

"...I think it'd be more convincing if you had used RED paint instead of yellow."

"...Shut up, Galahad. You must see the doctors immediately! (Bakura tries to get up but Mai pushes him back down) No, no, please! Lie down!" She claps twice.

"I just wanna get out of the paint!" Bakura whines.

Isis and Serenity saunter in, wearing rather revealing nurse outfits. Isis smiles. "Well, what seems to be the trouble?"

Joey's jaw drops at his sister's outfit. "SERENITY!" He screeches and jumps in front of her. "If I catch any of you guys (sends a warning death-glare to Yami Marik) even GLANCING at my sister, I'll beat your asses so badly you...you...you won't be able to crap for a month!"

Kaiba rolls his eyes. "Beautiful analogy, Joey."

Serenity plucks at the hem of her skirt. "Aw Joey, I actually kinda li—"

"DON'T finish that sentence, sis!"

Yami Marik gives a lewd wink. "I kinda like it too."

Joey lets out a primordial war cry and chargers the Egyptian. Yami Marik lazily stretches out his arm and fist and Joey, being Joey, runs head-on into it. He falls on the ground and twitches a bit. Y.Marik rolls his eyes.

"CHECKMATE, BITCH!" comes Kaiba's triumphant bellow. "HAHAHAHAHAH!"

Everyone sweatdrops. Except Marik who, as Kaiba gloats, picks up the wooden chessboard and strikes the brunette across the head with it. Kaiba flops off the light scaffold and lands somewhere offstage.

"So anyways... They're doctors!" Bakura gets everyone back on track.

Mai fidgets. "Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes."

The two reach for Bakura, whose expression is similar to that of a bunny in the middle of a pack of starving wolves.

"B—but..." He stutters and wriggles nervously. Unnoticed by anyone, Yami Marik takes this time to suspiciously slink away.

Mai pushes him down again. "Oh, come, come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practice your art."

"Shadow! I dun wanna be Galahad anymore!" Bakura suddenly cries. He leaps up and runs away.

"Sir Galahad!" Serenity, Isis and Mai shout. "Get back here!"

Yami-B _hmphs_. "It's just one little scene, yadonushi. It doesn't even mean anything. Don't be so prude."

A little "Nuuuuu..." trails out from behind the red curtain.

Amber looks surprised. "Whoa, since when have we had a red curtain?"

(Mwahahah, Mad Authoress Skillz!)

"Don't be a wuss," Yami-B growls. "Let's get it over with!"

There is a short scuffle-like noise and a muffled yelp. He comes out from behind the curtain and walks a little too eagerly back onto the set. He flops onto the bed, smoothes his white hair, props his arms behind his head, and leers up at Mai and the "nurses."

Mai's eyes narrow. _Yami Marik, that is the sorriest disguise I have ever seen in my life_, she thinks, but doesn't say anything. She says instead, "There's no grail here."

"Bakura"/Yami Marik looks up, puzzled. "Wait, that's not where we are in the scene!" He protests in a false, high-pitched voice.

"Yes it is." Mai yanks him off the bed. She shoves him towards the door.

Yami Marik glares daggers, but if doesn't want to blow his cover he can't really do anything. He sighs in defeat and says in a monotone, "I have seen it, I have seen it. The grail is here, I have seen—ACK!"

That would be due to Mai pulling him roughly behind a large chair. Yami Marik gives her a _What the hell?_ look. She narrows her eyes and whispers, "Marik, you aren't fooling anyone. It's very obvious you aren't Bakura."

"I'm not?" Yami Marik whispers back in wonder. "Why not?"

"Guess."

"Is it because of my eye tattoos?"

"No."

"It is because my hair makes the wig stick up weird?"

"Sort of, but no."

"Well then why the hell not!"

"Three reasons: 1) Your wig is on backwards."

"Ah, so THAT'S why I can't see anything!"

"And 2) Bakura was covered in paint. You...are not."

"Meh. The third?"

"Yeah, 3) ...You have a _GLOWING EYE_ in the middle of your FOREHEAD!" Mai slaps Yami Marik for being stupid and obvious. "The ninja academy would be ashamed! Now get out there, we've got a scene to finish!"

They pop out from behind the chair and face a room full of fangirls.

"Oh!" Yami Marik exclaims.

"Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!" go the fangirls.

"WHO LET THE FANGIRLS IN?" The authoress yells angrily. "ZUT!"

Mai does a little curtsy. "No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo!"

Yami Marik surveys the _waiii_-ing FGs. "I think I've found the REAL Holy Grail."

Mai dramatically claps her hands to her face and gasps. "Oh no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!"

The Egyptian turns to her. "Well, what is it?"

"Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem," Mai says.

Yami Marik looks at her like she's insane. "...Are we actually still trying to do the scene?"

"YES!" yells everybody.

Y.Marik sighs and reads from his script-book. "So, it's not the real Grail?"

"Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot!" Mai goes on. "She is a bad person and must pay the penalty. Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when we got the script, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think."

Marik, in the costume of the three-headed man, says, "At least ours was better visually."

Yami Bakura, as "Dennis," throws a glob of mud with passion. "Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes."

"Oh, get on with it," mutters Yami while rolling his eyes.

"Yes, get on with it!" cries Duke.

"GET ON WITH IT!" cry the readers.

Mai claps. "Oh, I am enjoying this scene!"

"GET ON WITH IT!" yells Ra.

Mai sighs and shrugs. "Where were we? Ah yes! Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her."

Yami Marik grins. The FGs squeal. "A spanking! A spanking!"

"Spank me too!" cries a fangirl.

"And spank me!"

"And me!"

"And me!"

Suddenly, Pegasus bursts through the doors. "Sir Galahad!"

Yami Marik glowers darkly at him. "You are EARLY!"

Pegasus doesn't listen. "Quick!" He grabs Y.Marik and shoves him towards the door. Fangirls swarm chaotically around them.

"What?" Yami Marik objects.

"Quick!"

"Why?"

"You are in great peril!" Pegasus yells.

Mai waves her hand nonchalantly. "No he isn't."

"SILENCE, FOUL TEMPTRESS!"

"You know, she's got a point!" Yami Marik complains.

Duke comes clattering up. "Come on! We will cover your escape!"

Yami Marik pulls away. "Look, I'm fine!"

"Come on!"

"Our bishie!" the FGs wail.

"No! Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!" Yami Marik cries. "Because I am...BISH-O-MAN!" he hollers, ripping off his clothes...again.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"THE THONG!" screeches Yami-B. "WHY DOES IT NOT DIE!"

"How'd you get that on anyways? Rub lard on your butt?" Duke demands.

Yami Marik looks at him blandly. "You've said that before. It isn't funny if you say it twice, dipwad."

Pegasus grabs Yami Marik. "Sir Galahad! Come on!"

"NO!"

"Let him tackle us single-handed! Let him tackle us single-handed!" The fangirls cry.

"I am BISH-O-MAN! I can handle them easily!"

"Oh, yes! Let him handle us easily!"

"No!" Pegasus exclaims. He manages to shove Yami Marik out the door and then slams it shut behind them. "Quick! Quick!"

Duke, who has ever so unfortunately been left behind, looks about wildly. The FGs are advancing with murderous looks in their eyes. "Oh shit!"

Outside, Pegasus is towing a very, very angry Yami Marik. "We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril."

"I don't think I was," growls the blond.

"Yes you were. You were in terrible peril."

"The only one who's in peril is you," Yami Marik snarls. He was about to send Pegasus's ass to the Shadow Realm when he remembers that he's supposed to be acting like Bakura. He jerks his arm away. "Look, let me go back in there and face the peril."

"No, it's too perilous."

"Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can!" Yami Marik reasons.

"No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!"

"Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?"

"No. It's unhealthy." In the background, screams of pain can be heard loud and clear from inside the staff room.

"So are alcohol and brothels!"

"That's not the point here!"

Yami Marik glares at Pegsy. "I bet you're gay."

"Be quiet, Galahad-boy!"

* * *

Shadow: So...um... Is there hope of getting any Duke-scraps that we can work with?

Kaiba: (looks over to the closed staff room door; the high-pitched squeals have stopped some time ago) No. Not at all.

Shadow: Pity.

Yami-B: So are you gonna tell us where you've been for the past half a year?

Shadow: Weeeeeell... I could say that I was in the hospital being deathly sick, or that I was off visiting another country buuut...Medi-chan and Toga-chan would know I was lying –cough–

Amber: I know I'm changing the topic here, but is anyone else wondering why Bish-O-Man was so short-lived this time? (she motions to Yami Marik, who has put on pants and is lounging on a W.B.)

Kaiba: Are you complaining?

Amber: No. Just curious.

Yami Marik: Silly mortals. Bish-O-Man sensed that there were no damsels in distress in the area, so he retired to his underground Cave of Sexiness.

Everyone: Ahhhhh...(rolling eyes)

Joey: (has an ice pack - we sure do go through a lot of those - on his head due to earlier scuffle with Y.Marik) I'm still gonna murder you for lookin' at my sis.

Yami Marik: (rolls eyes) What are you gonna do? Hit my fist with your face again?

Joey: (growls and lunges)

Jess and Tristan: (hold him back)

Joey: (chucks ice pack at Y.Marik)

Yami Marik: (dodges easily and grabs some DUH Bricks)

... ... ... ...

There is chaos.

* * *

ShadowSpirit: Really, REALLY sorry for the delay. I WILL get pictures to the people I owe 'em to. I've got a picture of Bish-O-Man on my DeviantART account; I'll post that in my bio within the next few days.

Thanks for sticking with me!

Medi-chan, Toga-chan, thanks for helping me get off my lazy bum and write!


	12. The Knights who say

ShadowSpirit: Well, at least I updated faster this time. Not too many reviews for the last one, but I guess I did deserve it. Sorry.

Since I'm off to college in two months, this will either be the last update for A WHILE or there will be many more in rapid succession. See, I'm going to vet school, so I will have NO TIME to be writing fanfiction (cries).

Sigh... Being a procrastinator sucks. I'd like to stop being one but I keep putting it off.

As one last side note, I have just found out that I'm in one of those C2 group-things. What the heck! When did _that_ happen?

* * *

Shadow: Wow, you guys sure did trash the place.

Joey: We're out of ice packs, just to letcha know.

Kaiba: I see your updating time has improved, Shadow.

Bakura: Yes, four months certainly _is_ an improvement from seven.

Shadow: Yes, and I even left food this time!

Kaiba: Old salad and ramen without flavoring OR a pot to boil it in doesn't exactly count as food, Shadow.

Shadow: (triumphantly) BUT Joey didn't try to eat all of it this time!

Kaiba: ...Yeah. He did. Sorry, better luck next time.

Duke: (proudly) _I_ made MY ramen in the shower!

Shadow: ...You are so weird.

Yami Bakura: (loudly and rather slurred) Well _I_ found the keysh to the liquor cabinet! (holds up several empty bottles as proof)

Shadow: ...We have a liquor cabinet? (mumbling) Wish I had known about it...coulda been damn useful.

Yami Marik: (whines) Yami Bakura, why didn't you share!

Marik: Well anyways... What are we doing today, Shadow? Where're we at?

Shadow: (jabs thumb over to Bakura) He's got the script book.

Bakura: (reading) Okay, well, Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation—

Yami Marik: Damn that gay bastard!

Pegasus: Hey, I—

Bakura—BUT they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging—

Yami-B: (dramatically) Oh it doeshn't matter whether or not the shwallow got laid, just get on with it!

Bakura: (gives him a look) I don't think that's what the term "laden" refers to. Anyways, on to the next scene, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a sparrow—OOH! (gets nailed by a bottle thrown by Yami-B) HEY! That hurt!

Shadow: I hope it's okay with everyone, but I skipped some stuff...all of that cartoon-y stuff. It was kinda hard to work it in. By the way, I know the Knights Who Say "Ni" is split up into like three scenes with other scenes between 'em in the movie; for the sake of my already waning sanity, I just said to hell with, grouped 'em all together, and split 'em into two halves.

Amber: ...Do you realize that what you said makes absolutely no sense?

Shadow: (shrugs) They gotta be used to it by now.

Kaiba: (reading the script) Who's playing the old man and the head knight?

Shadow: I think Yami-B would make a great old man, and you're tall, so you can be the knight.

Kaiba: ...Dammit, I just HAD to ask.

Yami-B: (responds by belching loudly and scratching his butt)

Amber: Actually, I think Yami Marik would make a better knight. Can you imagine Kaiba standing up there, proclaiming "NI!" in a high squeaky voice?

Shadow: Yeah, I thought it'd be funny. But I guess I DO have to punish Yami Marik for ruining the last scene. So okay, you're up, freak.

Kaiba: Oh goody!

Yami Marik: Wait, can't I have that punishment they had in the Castle Anthrax? Y'know...with the spanking?

Everybody: NO!

Jess: Kaiba said "goody"?

Amber: Would somebody _please_ take the liquor away from Yami-B, he's hitting on a mannequin!

Marik: (makes a grab for it)

Yami-B: (snarls and bites Marik's hand)

Marik: OW! Holy shit, I'm bleeding!

Shadow: (grimaces)...Okay, I'm not going near him. He can go ahead and get drunk..._er_. I guess it will provide some nice entertainment when he puts on a lampshade and dances on the table. (offers Yami-B a lampshade)

Yami-B: (stares for a sec) Heyyy I ain't THAT wasted yet! (sways and falls over)

* * *

Scene is a little hut made out of paint-ruined pillows and couch cushions in the staff room. Yami Bakura is in his brown rags, sitting in a little pile of mud. Yami and Marik are scrunched into the entrance of the pillow-hut.

Yami clears his throat. "Well...this could prove difficult..."

Yami-B is laughing drunkenly. "Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha ha..."

Yami shifts impatiently. "And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?"

"...Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha ha..."

"Um... Where does he live?" Yami asks.

"...Heh heh heh heh..."

Yami asks more firmly, "Old man, where does he live?"

Yami Bakura stops laughing. "I am NOT OLD!"

Yami rolls his eyes. "Yes you are. You're the same age as me."

"I'm...thirty-seven!" Yami-B insists, taking a long drag from his bottle.

"You are not! Do you even have the right scene?"

"Fughhing swallows...Hehahah..." Yami-B slurs, holding up the script book. Yami sighs wearily.

"Just tell me where the hell the Grail is, okay!"

"...Ha a ha ha," the thief cackles. He leans in close and says dramatically, "He knowsh of a cave, a cave which no maaan has enterrrrd."

Yami leans in, paying close attention. "And the Grail. The Grail is there?"

"Well you sheee, there ish much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man hash EVER CROSSHED! Mwahahahahahah..."

"But the Grail! Where is the Grail!" Yami starts to throw his arms up, but stops suddenly. "Wait, why the hell am I trying to get directions from a drunk?"

Yam-B leers wildly. "Seek you the Bridge of _Death_!" he says cutely and pokes Yami in the nose.

Yami bats him away. " I see, the Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?"

"Yeaaah...if you wan it to." Yami-B drains his bottle and flops over backwards, knocking over a pillow. Turns out that pillow was the foundation for the others and they all fall down. Marik sees it coming and throws himself out of the way. Yami isn't that quick.

"AGTHP!" Yami yelps as he is buried.

Yami Marik points. "Look, the Pharaoh's got a tomb!" he says with glee.

The Pharaoh pops out from the mess, rather disgruntled. His glorious hair has been smashed all to the left side. This of course causes Yami to be off-balance and he falls back into the pile with a startled cry.

Yami Marik shakes his head. "I told him he uses too much hairspray."

Mai eyes the Egyptian's gravity-defying blond hair. "You're one to talk."

From under the pillows, Yami-B begins to snore.

—INTERMISSION—

Shadow: Y'know, I think we should take a field trip and have the next scene out in some REAL woods.

Yugi: That's a wonderful idea. Yami, do you wanna hike over to the forest?

Yami: (is intensely focused on a mirror as he attempts to get his hair looking somewhat acceptable and doesn't answer)

Kaiba: (lights up and grins evilly) Oooh, hey Yami, tell me if it's not okay for me to throw your deck down the Plot Hole.

Yami Marik: (grins much like Kaiba) Hey Yami, tell me if it's not okay for me to rob your house.

Yami: (not paying attention) This one damn piece just won't stay in place...

Jess: I thought that stealing was Yami-B's job.

Yami Marik: (shrugs) He's too smashed right now; I'm covering for him.

Jess: Oh okay, good point.

Shadow: Why are we encouraging this behavior?

Jess and Yami Marik: (both shrug) Cause it's funny.

Kaiba: Muwahahahah... (drops Yami's deck down the Plot Hole)

—END INTERMISSION—

The scene now is a REAL forest. Yami Marik is standing on a rock, wearing a long black shroud and a Viking helmet. Yami trots through the woods, accompanied by Joey. The two pause in front of Yami Marik, who is standing ominously in their way.

Yami Marik pauses dramatically and then... "NI!"

Bakura, Tristan, and Duke (dressed in black and crouched in the bushes behind their leader) hop up and down excitedly. "Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!" they exclaim.

Yami cringes. "Who are you?"

Yami Marik draws himself up. "We are the Knights Who Say... 'NI!'"

"Ni!" goes Duke.

Yami gasps sarcastically. "No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!"

"We are the same!"

"Who are _they_?" Joey says to Yami.

"We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom!" explains Yami Marik.

"Neee-wom!" exclaims Tristan.

Yami turns to Joey and says dramatically, "Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!"

"How come?" Joey asks.

"Because they—"

"Ahem!" Yami Marik interrupts. "The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice!"

Yami approaches the head knight. "Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods."

"NI!" the Egyptian proclaims.

"Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!" exclaim his three lackeys in the background.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!" Yami and Joey wince painfully.

"Why does that hurt?" Joey groans.

Yami Marik grins smugly. "We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us."

"I never thought I'd be saying this to you of all people, but what do you want?"

"We want... (Yami Marik pauses dramatically) ...YOUR MILLENNIUM PUZZLE!"

"Whaaat?" Yami glares.

"Erm, I mean a SHRUBBERY!"

Yami nods. "That's better."

"Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!"

Yami and Joey flinch. "Ow! Agh!"

"Okay, we get it!" Yami yells. "We'll find you a shrubbery!"

"You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through these woods...alive!" Yami Marik cackles.

Yami sighs. "We will return with a shrubbery."

"You forgot to say the part about me being just and fair!" Yami Marik reminds.

"I'm not going to. You're just getting a shrubbery."

Yami Marik shrugs. "Well, get one that looks nice."

"Er... Of course," Yami says. He hides the collection of dead sticks. "A nice shrubbery."

"And make sure it's expensive."

Yami raises an eyebrow. "Don't you mean NOT too expensive?"

"NI! NI! NI!"

"Ow! Ow! OW!" cry Yami and Joey.

Yami Marik points his finger. "Now...go!"

* * *

Joey: I still wanna know why that hurt.

--In a tree in the forest--

Kaiba: Oh crap. Mokuba, go run and some more darts. I just dropped the rest.

Mokuba: You dropped them, so why don't YOU get them?

Kaiba: Because I'm older. Now listen to your Nii-sama!

Mokuba: That is so not fair!

--Back to everyone else--

Yami: So do I. Shadow?

Shadow: (shrugs) Don't look at me. I didn't orchestrate anything.

Joey: Orchestrate? That's a fancy word.

Shadow: Well, I'm a fancy person.

Marik: No you aren't. You spend all your time sleeping or drawing and your idea of dressing up is wearing a non-anime shirt. You are the least girly female I've ever met.

Shadow: Yeah, well, erm... You don't have to be girly to be fancy. And actually, I think Jess less girly than me.

Jess: Oh shut up.

Shadow: In fact, I took a quiz and I am 16 girly!

Yami: Hey wait a second, where's my deck!

* * *

Shadow: ...I got nothin'. Carry on. 


	13. Good News

So...um...hi?

I think you all may be pleased to know that I'm currently going through and editing/partially redoing this fic. I want to make it flow better and resolve some MASSIVE out-of-character-ness. Once that is finished, I'm going to try to start updating again -- YA RLY!!!!!

Heh, it's funny though...my major hangup at the moment isn't my schoolwork (grad school applications equal BLUH) or anything Real Life related...It's the fact that I watch too much YuGiOh Abridged and now when I try to write YGO, I can only picture LittleKuriboh's version of the characters! (Especially with Bandit Keith...I kept wanting to put IN AMERICA!! after like freaking everything!)

So stay tuned! I'll put up another A/N when I actually start revising chapters.

(For those of you also following my Naruto story, I do want to start writing for that again, I just...completely forgot where the plot was going...)


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